Tag Archives: control

Thoughtful Thursdays #141 – Control

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This election has been quite a surprise. Some citizens are happy, some citizens are sad. And that is OK. We have lived through many questionable presidents.

There is nothing you can do about who is president. Not even your vote counted because the Electoral College is the one who really picks the president. Don’t believe me? Check for yourself. The only reason you vote is to express your opinion to the Electoral College. Therefore, how much control did you really have when you voted. Not much. That was an illusion.

Control of others is an illusion. Period. You can influence but not control. I am talking adults here. How frustrating it is to know that you mostly can’t control conditions  outside of you. You are probably shouting at this post right now saying she doesn’t know what she is talking about. But you can’t control what I write nor can I control how you view my writing.

Controlling yourself is the best way to effect your own life for the better. You have control over your effort, lifestyle, job, relationships and any other choice you make for yourself. That is the power you have right now that can be used at anytime.

Focusing on your own life is vastly more important than who is president. Focus on what is in your control not what is outside of it.

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Thoughtful Thursdays # 88 – Sit With It

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I had a very interesting experience this week. I was extremely emotional. I had racing thoughts and crying outbursts. This experience was brought on by a series of events that tapped into my fears.

I remembered Pema Chodron’s suggestion. Sit with it. Sit with the feelings that are troubling you without picking up food, a drink, or any other distraction.

I did sit with the feelings and it hurt really bad. I wanted to run away, disappear, die, dive into a pie and surf the web, cry and throw up.

But I didn’t. The troubling feelings lasted about three days.

The fear I was feeling was from a past trauma. Each event reminiscent of the trauma flashed before my mind and it all made sense. All the times I ran away from feeling the fear, all the times I distracted my self, all the times I made excuses, basically to protect myself.

The fear left because I faced it. My feelings are still raw but the intensity of the fear on a scale of one to ten is a one.

Next time you are emotionally out of control, depressed, sad or troubled. Just sit with it. Don’t run away. Feel everything.

You will expand your understanding of how you operate. From understanding and knowledge about yourself changes your entire life for the better. That’s a guarantee.

Happy exploring.

OM

Thoughful Thursdays #63 Control Freaks

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It is normal to want to control your life. But we all know those control freaks that want their way all the time with you. They want to decide what to do and when. They have a need to run the show at all times. Even their conversations or behavior demands their needs be met and yours don’t matter. If you don’t meet their needs they are unhappy and you will hear about it.

As a control freak it must be hard to control your own life and the lives of others. I imagine at the end of the day they are exhausted. Control freak thinking and behavior leads to a bunch of personality disorders like obsessive compulsive disorder, not trusting anyone and failure to make commitments to anyone.

The reason why someone is a control freak is because they are hiding from themselves. Hiding from their own feelings. They think they have secrets that can’t be exposed. Flaws that they are embarrassed of, terrified of being vulnerable and feel helplessness and hopeless.

Control freaks think the only way to protect themselves it to control every part of their life and that includes relationships, even close relationships. In an odd way controlling creates a sense of order and stability. Control freaks are critical and judgmental of their lovers, and just about everybody else.

Control freaks are defending against their own anxiety, their own feelings of helplessness. Controlling gives a way of not feeling hopeless. The more they use control tactics the more they feel they are managing their lives in an effective manner.

To let go of control would mean the same as being victimized and overwhelmed. When that happens they become angry, panicked, possibly threatening then they can dip deep into emotional despair and depression.

If you are on the receiving end of a control freak don’t take it personally, but be advised, the control freak is really good at distorting reality, can be intimidating and are excellent debaters. They are more frightened than most and on some level feel they need to control you to make themselves feel better. It is only a way of protecting themselves. They are frightened and angry and controlling has become a compulsion and way of life.

If you are a control freak it’s OK. You are trying to protect yourself and have forgotten the negative effects of controlling has on those who care about you. You are not bad or unimportant. You are just frightened. You can take the risk to trust yourself and risk letting life unfold the way it is meant to be. You can be at peace and clear headed. You can stop worrying. What you think is a threat may no longer exist. It may be time to feel again, feel the energy of freedom. Free to be yourself, free to make choices and not hide behind manipulation. In the long run controlling pushes away the very situations you need to grow.

Wanting to control your life is normal. Keep the focus on controlling your own whereabouts, your own struggles, your own health and well-being, your own improvements and leave the rest alone. You are safe and there is no need to control things that are time wasters.

The are no quick fixes for controlling, change happens slowly. You will be amazed at the results if you know you can choose to be free from obsessing about anything. Be patient and keep trying. You will not be disappointed.

Detachment repost from July 6, 2014

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Detachment And Other Stuff

I had a disappointing situation this weekend. I had wonderful plans that were thoughtlessly canceled. That led me to spiral down the all too familiar slippery slopes of despair. The disappointment was a reminder of a past belief that no one can be trusted. That is something that drives me crazy: someone you can”t trust. Say what you mean and mean what you say. But was that belief the truth?

I tried to find a way to cope with the situation. Especially since I have a tendency to over react at times like these by turning my emotions viciously into gut wrenching personal attacks on myself.

I needed to stop. It took about half a day of ping ponging between being furious at not having control over the situation to remembering I need to detach to get perspective.

Detachment , to me, is allowing situations unfold or fold up in their own given time. I am reminded that it is not my timing that make things work out for the best. It is not my controlling or fussing that makes things go any faster. However I find waiting really frustrating. I want things my way and now. Well, that is the nasty co dependent, needy side of me speaking.

The nasty co dependent, needy side of me reeks havoc on my life and relationships and especially my thoughts. Co dependency is a product of my past but still alive and well living in the outskirts of my subconscious, waiting to destroy what ever I perceive as a hurt.

What is the truth behind all of this?

1. It is my beliefs and thoughts that are causing my own grief. Yes, I have the right to be disappointed but having my thoughts whirl around like a squirrel in a cage is maddening and extremely unhelpful.

2. Things don’t always go as planned. I forgot this one. Sometimes it’s just a matter of a misunderstanding and perhaps a readjustment. Or not the right time. Or not in my best interest.

3. I can’t control what others do. It is not the end of the world if someone disappoints me. Other peoples poor behavior is a reflection on them not on me.

4. People are not always loving all the time. This is an opportunity to say Ouch at the disappointment but remain open, peaceful and hopeful with the situation.

5. Time always reveals the truth behind what ever is going on, whether I like it or not.

6. All situations are mirrors of what I need to take a look at. Interactions with others bring up feelings. Believe it or not people don’t cause feelings. The feelings that come up belong to me.

I ask these questions:

What would it be like if I made the effort not to think about these perceived offences?

What would it be like if I made the effort to stop the rushing negative thoughts?

What would it be like if I said yes to everything as a form of acceptance?

What would it be like if I practiced being really strong for myself for a change?

What would it be like if I made the effort to improve only my life by examining my own behavior?

What would it be like if I remembered just how darn lucky I am to realize that all situations are unfolding as they need to?

What would it be like if I remembered just how lucky I am to change myself?

I know that as time passes my feelings will subside and clarity will come forward. I will learn what I need to learn and move on. If I have not learned the lesson a similar situation will come up and I will be given the chance to examine myself again.

It is my good fortune and luck to be awake and aware enough not to crawl under a rock and hide from life’s ups and downs.

It is my good fortune and luck to not hide behind any distraction and sit with the pain however uncomfortable it is.

It is compassionate and rewarding to experience suffering to understand what others might experience. Here is the miracle of connection.

From my suffering I can relate to another’s suffering. I know the comfort I need so I can comfort another.

How fortunate to get to the point of letting it go. That does not mean I am not disappointed. I am just not going to invest any more emotional energy on it. I am releasing my attention to what happened.

Here is the crux of the situation. The arduous climb, the crucial point. Here is my chance to mature and be a positive influence to the world at large.

I thank all that were involved in aggravating me. This is another chance for me to get to know who I am.

You are my teacher and I am truly grateful.

Codependents Control Patterns

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Codependents often…………………

 

. believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves

. attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel

. freely offer advice and direction without being asked

. become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice

. lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence

. use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance

. have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others

. demand that their needs be met by others

. use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally

. refuse to cooperate, compromise or negotiate

. adopt an attitude to indifference, helplessness, authority or rage to manipulate outcomes

. use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others

. pretend to agree with others to get what they want

 

from CODA.org

 

 

 

Detachment And Other Stuff

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I had a disappointing situation this weekend. I had wonderful plans that were thoughtlessly canceled.  That led me to spiral down the all too familiar slippery slopes of despair. The disappointment was a reminder of a  past belief that no one can be trusted. That is something that drives me crazy: someone you can”t trust. Say what you mean and mean what you say. But was that belief the truth?

I tried to find a way to cope with the situation. Especially since  I have a tendency to over react at times like these by turning my emotions viciously into gut wrenching personal attacks on myself.

I needed to stop. It took about half a day of ping ponging between being furious at not having control over the situation to remembering I need to detach to get perspective.

Detachment , to me, is allowing situations unfold or fold up in their own given time. I am reminded that it is not my timing that make things work out for the best. It is not my controlling or fussing that makes things go any faster.  However I find waiting  really frustrating. I want things my way and now. Well, that is the nasty co dependent, needy side of me speaking.

The nasty co dependent, needy side of me reeks havoc on my life and relationships and especially my thoughts. Co dependency is a product of my past but still alive and well living in the outskirts of my subconscious, waiting to destroy what ever I perceive as a hurt.

What is the truth behind all of this?

1. It is my beliefs and thoughts that are causing my own grief. Yes, I have the right to be disappointed but having my thoughts whirl around like a squirrel in a cage is maddening and extremely unhelpful.

2. Things don’t always go as planned. I forgot this one. Sometimes it’s just a matter of a misunderstanding and perhaps a readjustment. Or not the right time. Or not in my best interest.

3. I can’t control what others do. It is not the end of the world if someone disappoints me. Other peoples poor behavior is a reflection on them not on me.

4. People are not always loving all the time. This is an opportunity to say Ouch at the disappointment but remain open, peaceful and hopeful with the situation.

5. Time always reveals the truth behind what ever is going on, whether I  like it or not.

6. All situations are mirrors of what I need to take a look at. Interactions with others bring up feelings. Believe it or not people don’t cause feelings. The feelings that come up belong to me.

I ask these questions:

What would it be like if I made the effort not to think about these perceived offences?

What would it be like if I made the effort to stop the rushing negative thoughts?

What would it be like if I said yes to everything as a form of acceptance?

What would it be like if I practiced being really strong for myself for a change?

What would it be like  if I made the effort to improve only my life by examining my own behavior?

What would it be like if I remembered just how darn lucky I am to realize that all situations are unfolding as they need to?

What would it be like if I remembered just how lucky I am to change myself?

I know that as time passes my feelings will subside and clarity will come forward. I will learn what I need to learn and move on. If I have not learned the lesson a similar situation will come up and I will be given the chance to examine myself again.

It is my good fortune and luck to be awake and aware enough not to crawl under a rock and hide from life’s ups and downs.

It is my good fortune and luck to not hide behind any distraction and sit with the pain however uncomfortable it is.

It is compassionate and rewarding to experience suffering to understand what others might experience. Here is the miracle of connection.

From my suffering I can relate to another’s suffering. I know the comfort I need so I can comfort another.

How fortunate to get to the point of letting it go. That does not mean I am not disappointed. I am just not going to invest any more emotional energy on it. I am releasing my attention to what happened.

Here is the crux of the situation. The arduous climb, the crucial point. Here is my chance to mature and be a positive influence to the world at large.

I thank all that were involved in aggravating me. This is another chance for me to get to know who I am.

You are my teacher and I am truly grateful.