Many of us have grown up in either mildly dysfunctional or maddeningly dysfunctional family systems. We could have lived through addictions, violence, mental illness, instability, abandonment and the result was trauma. At some point we have to stop seeking validation from those in our family system who can’t even validate themselves.
It’s time to separate. It’s time to let go of believing that they will change. It’s more probable that toxic people will always let you down and you deserve so much more. It’s time to miss events with those who are emotionally unavailable and toxic. When we separate we can acknowledge our pain and the depth of our family’s broken and unfit system. When we recognise our pain the healing begins.
When the healing begins you will regain your health, sanity, dignity and wholeness with this important and critical self-care. Will it be easy, nope. But so worth the effort.
It’s time to find out who you are in your own wholeness, separate from the trauma, drama and maladaptive idea of who you are. It’s time for you to go back to the unbroken and undamaged person you are meant to be, in one piece, peaceful and confident.
You are worth it.
Futility=Pointlessness and uselessness.
We can recognize futility by an emptiness, hollowness, inside your body. Maybe an action seems meaningless. Sometimes on certain days we may even feel ineffective and worthless.
Wow, that really sounds painful. That is surely true, that is what futility does, makes you feel really hopeless. No one wants to feel that way.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully feeling futile lasts only for a short time. Here are a few suggestions to lighten you up.
- These feelings are not permanent.
- What is the message futility is telling you, maybe you are feeling suppressed.
- Get some rest.
- Take some alone time to get back into alignment.
- It’s OK to feel sad and frustrated.
- Get professional help if you need it.
The more we learn about how we feel the better our lives will be. Take good care of yourself first.
We all have something we want to progress toward. A small thing or a large thing it doesn’t matter.
Progress is not all at once. Rather progress comes in bits and pieces, fits and starts, ups and downs, forward and backward.
That is OK and in a way that is how change happens, especially if the change is going to be permanent.
So in your frustration, when your progress is not fast enough, please remember that progress is not linear, it never will be. Going with the flow and being patient, putting one foot in front of the other will get you where you need to go, in soon enough time.
Growing up with one of my caregivers being schizophrenic and the other an addict made my childhood a living hell. Mental illness was the elephant in the room that no one talked about. Relatives kept away, no one wanted to get involved and there were not many resources for a child protection back then.
I am here to say that if you are feeling unsafe in your home and you are under 18, reach out to a school counselor or your teacher even a police officer, you can even walk into a criminal court and go to the victim services office for advice.
If you are over 18 and you are feeling unsafe in your home reach out to a therapist, find supportive allies, start creating distance with those who are unsafe. As an adult you can move around easier than a child can. You can leave your situation.
Being closely involved with those who have serious mental illness can make you feel crazy and unsure of your own sanity. It’s not you. Protect yourself because your very sanity and life depends on it.
You will come up against some who don’t want to get involved, that’s OK. Keep reaching out and you will prevail and regain the peace you deserve.
One of my FB friends gave me this idea. I am passing it along to you. Hope it helps.
It’s a detailed article about cognitive bias that we all carry at one time or another.
The better you know yourself the better your life experience.
Confirmation Bias is when we search for information that validates our existing opinions. It’s a form of wishful thinking because confirmation bias is not grounded in evidence. Confirmation bias is based on prejudice and assumptions. Even in the face of overwhelming truth one may still believe whatever one wants to believe.
This is a form of self-deception because it acts like a drug against any harsh reality we do not wish to examine.
But all is not lost. It’s common to look for validation of our beliefs. We all do it.
The takeaway is to set up our beliefs and look for the contrary. See if we may be missing something. Let’s find the self-confidence to look at a situation without appeasing our ego but rather to find those uncomfortable truths we wish to avoid at all costs. President Lincoln encouraged debate and discussion even with this rivals.
We need to do the same thing with our thinking too. Debate and discuss. It won’t be easy but so worth the peace of mind.
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and many share their love and enthusiasm for our families, lovers, friends.
Let’s not forget to give a big Valentines to ourselves. After all we are very important too. Here’s some helpful ways to love yourself.
- Stop calling yourself names. eg. I am such a jerk.
- Stop thinking about the worst case scenario. eg. The world will end if I say the wrong thing.
- Identify negative beliefs you have about yourself and get rid of them. eg. I am a really bad cook.
- Rewrite and reframe your internal dialog. eg. I am a good dancer.
- Celebrate yourself. It’s OK to give yourself a reward.
- Visit a therapist. Self examination is healing.
- Support yourself with positive self talk.
Every day is a chance to take good care of yourself and be your own Valentine.
“Accept yourself, love yourself, and keep moving forward. If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart
I know how you feel. Betrayed and abandoned by someone who you thought cared.
If you can feel betrayal and abandonment you are the healthy one.
People who constantly hurt and abandon are the broken ones.
I know it’s hard to do but………….
Feel it – breathe – carry on.
An emotional trigger is reacting to a present situation with the pain of an unresolved wound of the past.
For example, road rage is never about the jerk cutting you off. Your rage is from feeling helplessness.
Getting lost and given the wrong directions. Your anger is from betrayal.
People being nosey or rude. Your annoyance is from your boundaries being violated.
Untrue gossip and rumors about you. Your trust had been destroyed.
We all have bad days and left bewildered by others behavior towards us. But why are we triggered?
If we have overreacted it’s a trigger from the past. To get past this energy sapping overreaction behavior go back to the time you think this wound might have happened.
Write about it, uncensored, exercise, ground yourself, get back into your body, do art. listen to music, talk to a professional about what you are feeling, meditate, talk it out.
It is not easy work uncovering our wounds, but once they are uncovered they begin to heal and overreaction ends.
It’s worth the effort.
Art can be many things, for example, like painting, writing, singing, cooking, fashion, music, etc. Creativity in the arts is subjective. The beauty or chaos of the creation belongs to the beholder.
There is a place in this world for everyone’s creations. There is someone or many someones that will resonate with what you create. Whether it’s a painting or an article or a cake, there will be those that love it.
Therefore, as creative creatures we must never give up in creating and sharing our creations with the world at large. Share your creations on a blog, on Facebook, your family, friends or neighbors. Share what you have, someone needs to see it, perhaps to brighten their day.
And if you get a negative remark on your creation, just brush it off. Remarks are from those who are either jealous, out of touch with the beauty in any creation, or just plain miserable. Don’t let that bring you down. Keep creating and keep showing.
The world needs your creativity.