It is so frustrating going from relationship to relationship, all kinds of relationships that don’t work, jobs, friends, significant others, over and over. There is an answer.
At some point you learned unhealthy thought and action patterns from repeated emotional and/or physical abuse learned as love.
As a result we recreate those primary relationships so we can heal them and make us feel better in return. It doesn’t work, we repeat the patterns unconsciously, and you may need great mindfulness and therapy.
Dr. Tracey Marks, psychiatrist, has made an informative video about this subject. Please watch it, you will find truth and healing.
In psychology resistance is the push me pull me effect of dealing with uncomfortable and sometimes buried fears of change.
This can happen as a reaction to the therapeutic process or irritating situation that we just don’t want to deal with.
Resistance can show up in many forms, inner oppression, focusing on outside events, over eating, too much social media, self criticism, social withdrawal, trying to be perfect, you can add to the list.
A common reason for resistance is shame, that burning feeling of humiliation, of being wrong, or like a fool, regret, self hate.
“Family secrets can go back for generations. They can be about suicides, homicides, incest, abortions, addictions, public loss of face, financial disaster, etc. All the secrets get acted out. This is the power of toxic shame. The pain and suffering of shame generate automatic and unconscious defenses. Freud called these defenses by various names: denial, idealization of parents, repression of emotions and dissociation from emotions. What is important to note is that we can’t know what we don’t know. Denial, idealization, repression and dissociation are unconscious survival mechanisms. Because they are unconscious, we lose touch with the shame, hurt and pain they cover up. We cannot heal what we cannot feel. So without recovery, our toxic shame gets carried for generations.”
John Bradshaw sums it up, “all secrets get acted out”, and “we cannot heal what we cannot feel”, it is in your best interest to get into some kind of recovery program. You owe it to your wonderful self. You are deserving of every good thing in life, you are important and are strong enough to heal.
Start now, go in baby steps, read books about good mental health, go to therapy, join support groups, start your own support group, start a diary and write everything you think down on paper to give your feelings life and validity.
Don’t give up, there is massive healing possible, just keep trying. I know you can do it.
I love words. Words can be so very healing.
There were many times I could not identify what I was feeling so I would go to the dictionary online or in a real book and start looking up what the feeling might be.
The result was surprising. The words that stood out to me made sense to what I was feeling. I would look up the synonyms for those words and eventually come up with identifying the feeling.
Here is an example:
betray-expose, treacherously reveal as in secrets, be disloyal to.
Synonym-abandon, deceive, forsake, double cross.
You get the idea.
So the next time you have one of those unidentifiable feelings, go to the dictionary, with curiosity and no judgement, start looking up some words to help you get clarity on how you are feelings.
The healing magic happens when you can identify those feelings lying just under your consciousness. Our minds are so busy with other chatter it is hard to be in touch with how you feel.
Feelings need to be exposed to heal. It can be scary but only for a little while.
Give this a try, you will be pleasantly surprised.
Emotional numbing comes in two forms:
- detaching emotionally as a coping method to avoid triggering overwhelming feelings.
- detaching emotionally as a form of keeping boundaries and protecting from any psychic trauma.
What does it feel like to be emotionally numb? You feel like a ghost watching and observing others go along in their lives and you feel so invisible that you can’t interact with anyone. This state of mind is very painful. You feel unfocused and ungrounded. Can’t communicate or think straight.
There can be many causes for emotional numbing only you can say how it occurred in your life.
So how do you manage in the meantime.
- identify triggers, what caused your initial shutdown.
- write it out uncensored on your computer or by hand.
- talk to a therapist or trusted friend.
- stay busy.
- eat and sleep well.
- remember, the feeling is temporary.
It may take some time to come out of emotional numbness but that is the OK. Mental health is very important and it takes time to understand what is going on in our minds. Is it a linear process, not at all. Healing has its own time table, have patience with yourself and in the meantime take really good care of yourself. You are worth it.
Whether you have chosen through your intellect to forgive or had a spiritual experience and spontaneously forgiven there is one element still at play.
Healing……………….Just because you forgive does not mean you have healed from the injustice inflicted on you. Healing takes time.
Don’t forgive to speed up healing. It doesn’t work that way. Healing is on a different level, more on a physical level along with intellectual level. We hold the things that need forgiving in our body and mind. Healing is an ongoing process and perhaps so is forgiveness.
There is no right or wrong way to forgive or heal. It’s your journey to find what fits for you.
This is a hard one. Childhood Emotional Neglect blog has a realistic answer. 10 Rules Emotions Follow:
# 9 Sitting with a powerful emotion and letting yourself feel it while thinking about it to understand why you’re having it, what it means, and what it’s telling you, is called “processing it.”
#10 Your feelings are valuable messages from your deepest self. When you follow Rule 9, you are listening to the messages, honoring yourself, and making use of this valuable resource from within.
We all have feelings and some are unexplainable and that is OK because your feelings come from your subconscious. When strong feelings come up, follow rule #9 and #10.
It won’t be easy to sit with uncomfortable feelings but you will come out on the other side feeling quite different knowing there was a shift in your mind and that is all you need to facilitate healing.
If there is one thing wonderful about being human it’s the ability to change. When we experience trauma or other upsetting situations we can recover and bounce back and end up thriving. However, the journey is not an easy one. Even though there is no one path to healing there are some guiding principles to recovery.
- there are many pathways to recover.
- recovery is self-directed and empowering.
- recovery involves a personal recognition of the need for change and transformation.
- recovery has cultural dimensions.
- recovery is holistic.
- recovery exists on a continuum of improved health and wellness.
- recovery emerges from hope and gratitude.
- recovery involves a process of healing and self redefinition.
- recovery is supported by peers and allies.
- recovery involves (re)joining and (re)building a life in the community
- recovery is reality.
The idea here is to find your way to recover. There is no right or wrong way to recover and it is your journey with lots of helpers along the way. Don’t give up.
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry http://www.aacap.org
Child Welfare Information Gateway http://www.childwelfare.gov
American Psychiatric Association Answer Center – 1-888-357-7924
American Psychological Association Public Education Line – 1-800-964-2000
This list is from Page 19 of Mental Health First Aid USA – for adults assisting young people. ISBN: 978-0-9885176-0-8.
Many of us have grown up in either mildly dysfunctional or maddeningly dysfunctional family systems. We could have lived through addictions, violence, mental illness, instability, abandonment and the result was trauma. At some point we have to stop seeking validation from those in our family system who can’t even validate themselves.
It’s time to separate. It’s time to let go of believing that they will change. It’s more probable that toxic people will always let you down and you deserve so much more. It’s time to miss events with those who are emotionally unavailable and toxic. When we separate we can acknowledge our pain and the depth of our family’s broken and unfit system. When we recognise our pain the healing begins.
When the healing begins you will regain your health, sanity, dignity and wholeness with this important and critical self-care. Will it be easy, nope. But so worth the effort.
It’s time to find out who you are in your own wholeness, separate from the trauma, drama and maladaptive idea of who you are. It’s time for you to go back to the unbroken and undamaged person you are meant to be, in one piece, peaceful and confident.
You are worth it.
Louise Hay died 8.30.17 at the age of 90. I started reading her self-help books many years ago. She wrote affirmations and gave words of encouragement. She grew up in a hostile home and knew the importance of healing our minds because through our minds we could heal the trauma trapped in our bodies. She was an advocate and visionary of self-healing. She was passionate about serving others through her books, talks and healing words.
You Can Heal Your Life and Heal Your Body are just two but classic books on self-healing. She also recorded several YouTube videos.
So in those moments of emotional pain and upset here are some affirmations to get you started on the road to healing.
20 Quotes To Remember Louise Hay By
Love is never outside ourselves; love is within us.
In the infinity of life where I am, All is perfect, whole and complete, I no longer choose to believe in old limitations and lack, I now choose to begin to see myself. As the Universe sees me — perfect, whole, and complete.
We may not know how to forgive, and we many not want to forgive; but the very fact we say we are willing to forgive begins the healing practice.
The past is over and done and cannot be changed. This is the only moment we can experience. Deep at the center of my being there is an infinite well of gratitude. I now allow this gratitude to fill my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness, my very being. This gratitude radiates out from me in all directions, touching everything in my world, and returns to me as more to be grateful for. The more gratitude I feel, the more I am aware that the supply is endless.
You have the power to heal your life, and you need to know that. We think so often that we are helpless, but we’re not. We always have the power of our minds…Claim and consciously use your power.
Begin to recognize prosperity everywhere, and rejoice in it.
If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become a truth for you.
Love is the greatest healing power I know. Love can heal even the deepest and most painful memories because love brings the light of understanding to the darkest corners of our hearts and minds.
As I say YES to life, life says YES to me.
You are the only person who thinks in your mind! You are the power and authority in your world.
No person, place, or thing has any power over me, for I am the only thinker in my mind.
Be ready for love when it does come. Prepare the field and be ready to nourish love. Be loving, and you will be lovable. Be open and receptive to love.
Self-approval and self-acceptance in the now are the main keys to positive changes in every area of our lives.
Every thought we think is creating our future.
Look at the ‘problems’ in your life. Ask yourself, ‘What kind of thoughts am I having that create this?
You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.
I say “Out” to every negative thought that comes to my mind. No person, place, or thing has any power over me, for I am the only thinker in my mind. I create my own reality and everyone in it.
Every time you meditate, every time you do visualization for healing, every time you say something for healing the whole planet, you are connecting with like-minded people all over the planet who are doing the same thing.
I grow spiritually when I accept responsibility for my life.
Be willing to take the first step, no matter how small it is. Concentrate on the fact that you are willing to learn. Absolute miracles will happen.