Here’s a quote from Yolo Akili’s book: Dear Universe; Letters of Affirmation and Empowerment – For All Of Us –
Principles of Human Communication:
#5 Understand that everyone interprets the world through their own ideas, past experience, psychological framework, social location and pain. You see the world based on where you have been. You see the world based on who you are, based on how you are perceived and how you perceive others. Those perceptions are not absolute. They are not the only truth, and they are not the only way of knowing things. Understand this.
The author is pointing out that in order to have effective communication with other humans we must put aside our own beliefs. By putting aside our own beliefs we will better understand where the other human is coming from. As a result you will have a clearer, more truthful communication.
We cry in response to emotions like sadness, anger, grief, frustration, even happiness and joy.
There’s wailing, weeping, blubbering, lamenting, whimpering, all out bawling to the point of throwing up.
I have a hard time crying in front of others, however, in private I can really let it out. After crying I feel exhausted yet empty.
There is a soothing effect to crying, and can elicit support from others, relieve stress, restore emotional balance, and helps recover from grief.
No matter what you have heard or what you believe about crying: it’s perfectly OK to cry for as long as you want in any way that you want and you will not fall apart, you are not weak or defective.
I guarantee that even if the problem that causes you to cry persists, crying when you need it, will restore your balance.
Take that moment you need to deeply feel what is causing you to cry. You deserve to be relieved of pain.
Boundaries are powerful.
We all have experienced someone whether in our personal lives or work life who just does not know the meaning of personal space and minding their own business. Wasting your precious time and resources. We have to learn skills for handling such situations.
- know when to say yes, know when to say no and mean it. No point in being wishy-washy.
- know that boundaries keep you mentally and emotionally safe.
- know that boundaries are a big part of your well-being.
- physical, intellectual, emotional, sexual, material and time are all subject to boundaries.
There are soft boundaries, rigid boundaries, boundaries somewhere in the middle that are very flexible. We all have a mix of these types of boundaries. A soft boundary may be for a child, a rigid boundary may be for your job, the middle flexible boundary may be for your family. No matter who we interact with boundaries will look different.
You may think setting boundaries is selfish, it is not selfish, boundaries are an important part of healthy mental health and happy well-being. If someone gets upset with you setting a boundary, it’s their problem, not yours, stick to the boundaries that keep you safe.
We must abide by others boundaries too. Boundaries are a two-way street. Boundaries cause us to feel more in control of our lives and that is very important in feeling a whole lot less fearful.
If you are not used to making boundaries then take it slow, a change like this does not happen immediately.
You are worth the effort, keep trying, and figure out a way to set healthy boundaries.
Susan Anderson’s book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing is a wealth of information about the devastating effects of abandonment and that real miraculous recovery that is possible.
I am paraphrasing the five stages of abandonment.
- Shattering-devastating pain and hitting bottom.
- Withdrawal-the intense craving for the love you had.
- Internalizing-beating up on your self esteem.
- Rage-fighting back by expressing your rage and anger.
- Lifting-your life gets back on track.
These are not linear steps but as the author states they are stages that are circular, like a cyclone. We go through each stage at one time or together. It may take days, weeks, months or years to resolve but worth the effort.
Abandonment is one of the worst betrayals a person can experience. Recovery is more than possible, with some self care and self compassion you will come out on the other side changed, wiser and more resilient.
Read Susan Anderson’s book and be amazed at how recover from abandonment is possible.
Self sabotage comes in many forms.
We can become hyper aware because we have been dealing with unreliable people for a long time and we expect things to go wrong.
We can get in the habit of not making commitments because those we trusted thwarted all that we loved.
We may want to be unseen because any attention means possible abuse.
We may people please to keep us safe at the expense of our own needs.
We may want to control everything just to feel safe enough to exist.
There are many more ways to self sabotage but the reason why we do that is because there are unresolved issues just under the surface of our awareness and our self sabotage keeps us distracted enough not to feel those feelings.
Self sabotage is a coping method and that is OK until you are in a place to look at those feelings and release them.
It’s not easy but with some kindness and compassion for yourself you will gradually let go of self sabotaging behavior.
One of the worst experiences one can have is to be betrayed. What is betrayal? It’s disloyalty, stabbed in the back, unfaithful, double crossed, tricked, given false information, or no information, misled, abandoned, let down, and deserted. You get the idea.
It’s that crushing feeling of shock, disbelief, anger, shame, and you want retribution and fight hard against denial of the betrayal because it hurts so much.
This is no easy feeling to deal with, it may take some time to process what is going on. Here are some suggestions.
- Have some detachment.
- Talk it out with a trusted friend.
- Feel the emptiness and grieve.
- Don’t act out irrationally.
- Make a recovery plan.
- Be really good to yourself.
The key to healing betrayal is to be self-aware and really good to yourself. Know that it is only a matter of time before you feel better.
If there is one thing wonderful about being human it’s the ability to change. When we experience trauma or other upsetting situations we can recover and bounce back and end up thriving. However, the journey is not an easy one. Even though there is no one path to healing there are some guiding principles to recovery.
- there are many pathways to recover.
- recovery is self-directed and empowering.
- recovery involves a personal recognition of the need for change and transformation.
- recovery has cultural dimensions.
- recovery is holistic.
- recovery exists on a continuum of improved health and wellness.
- recovery emerges from hope and gratitude.
- recovery involves a process of healing and self redefinition.
- recovery is supported by peers and allies.
- recovery involves (re)joining and (re)building a life in the community
- recovery is reality.
The idea here is to find your way to recover. There is no right or wrong way to recover and it is your journey with lots of helpers along the way. Don’t give up.
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry http://www.aacap.org
Child Welfare Information Gateway http://www.childwelfare.gov
American Psychiatric Association Answer Center – 1-888-357-7924
American Psychological Association Public Education Line – 1-800-964-2000
This list is from Page 19 of Mental Health First Aid USA – for adults assisting young people. ISBN: 978-0-9885176-0-8.
Stalking is a violent crime. Stalking is conduct directed at a particular person that causes fear.
Ignoring a stalker’s menacing behavior hoping they will go away doesn’t work. You must act right away to protect yourself. Early intervention is the key to your safety.
- be alert and proactive.
- create security methods like locks, alarms or cameras.
- tell everyone you are being stalked.
- save any presents, emails, cards, documents.
- photograph everything and the person who is stalking you.
- keep a log of events.
- document everything.
Start a paper trail with the police department, if you are in danger call 911 and keep calling 911 until the stalking stops.
For more information:
Go to therapy – you have to get out of your head.
I was made fun of, threatened, abandoned and booed for going to therapy by those who were threatened by my bravery and their fear of being exposed as addicts and criminals.
You are brave. Just try one tiny thing that will relieve your mind of worry and pressure and trauma. And those irritating recurring problems that seem to never go away.
Find a benign, non religious, knowledgeable therapist. There are tons of therapists who will not be judgmental of you and will be a sounding board for you to make new decisions for a happier life. A therapist is always on your side, your protector, your ally, your cheering section that will help you process those unseen, just under the surface emotions and a therapist will help you think for yourself.
Find a therapist that gets you. If he or she does not get you then move on to a new one. Your very well-being depends on it. Your mental health is very important, perhaps more important than physical health. Learn about yourself, make your mental health a priority.
Will this step be easy. No it won’t because the mind resists change, but the mind has to tag along when you take steps to help yourself.
Many of us have grown up in either mildly dysfunctional or maddeningly dysfunctional family systems. We could have lived through addictions, violence, mental illness, instability, abandonment and the result was trauma. At some point we have to stop seeking validation from those in our family system who can’t even validate themselves.
It’s time to separate. It’s time to let go of believing that they will change. It’s more probable that toxic people will always let you down and you deserve so much more. It’s time to miss events with those who are emotionally unavailable and toxic. When we separate we can acknowledge our pain and the depth of our family’s broken and unfit system. When we recognise our pain the healing begins.
When the healing begins you will regain your health, sanity, dignity and wholeness with this important and critical self-care. Will it be easy, nope. But so worth the effort.
It’s time to find out who you are in your own wholeness, separate from the trauma, drama and maladaptive idea of who you are. It’s time for you to go back to the unbroken and undamaged person you are meant to be, in one piece, peaceful and confident.
You are worth it.