I have had two strong flashbacks that has kicked my complex trauma response into high gear. That’s the thing with C-PTSD flashbacks, it places me in two worlds. The world of the past and the present.
Flashbacks are important in trauma recovery but not at all easy to process. Flashbacks are a necessary part of healing. You can’t heal if you don’t feel.
At this time there is a part of me that feels it’s safe enough to allow a repressed memory to surface. I am thankful for that. Doing this kind of work and the willingness to feel the feelings of the past uncovers underlying traumatic emotions.
Once the repressed feelings come to the surface it is easier to make positive change, stay in the present moment and get happy again.
When I was sixteen years old it occurred to me that something was terribly wrong with my family interactions. This was the beginning of my long journey, or should I say my lifelong journey of finding the truth. This journey has been very hard at times but the more truth that was uncovered the healthier and happier I became.
Finding the truth unveiled lots of information that helped me understand the dysfunctional dynamics that were going on and where I was placed within that strange puzzle.
I am still unraveling the trauma all these years later. And I am not at all disturbed by this. As hard as it is to know the sick truths of the horrible treatment I incurred, I will never stop looking for the truth.
On the bright side, the more I know about me the more I know about others. The side effect of finding the truth of human behavior is the ability to know others and that is priceless.
In the process of self discovery we might find some cringe worthy stuff we have done. How could have I done such a stupid thing we say? I wasted my life. What have I done?
It’s OK, we have all been there. Self discovery is the path to self-esteem. What we have done in the past is over and I am sure we learned from those mistakes and moved on.
Along the voyage of self discovery we need to see how we came to do those actions. Once we know what has influenced us we can make changes in a more positive direction. We can look at what works and what does not work.
It is never too late to unlearn those silly things we thought were OK. Choose to live in your own authenticity and this will build your self-esteem. You will be so proud of yourself.
Go ahead puff that chest out and hold your head up high, you are wonderful.
What is your inner dialogue like? Do you say harsh things to yourself like : boy are you stupid, you can’t do anything right, you are so slow, what’s wrong with you, you will never fit in, you are fat, you’ll never be attractive.
These words you say to yourself are just as damaging as if someone actually said them to you. We can speculate where we learned to talk to ourselves like this but truthfully you are in control now.
The habit of talking to yourself negatively does not go away quickly. If you can say one positive statement to yourself in a day you will be on your way to being kind and compassionate to yourself.
It’s very hard to be a positive contributing human if we are secretly harboring self hate. Work up to more and more positive self talk and you will see a difference in your external world too.
Just in case you didn’t hear it today, you are doing a great job in all your efforts.