Tag Archives: decisions

Mar7

Pan and Limerence-Unrequited Love

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Pan was a harlot and whore. He ran after anything that brought his own pleasure without returning it. That being said in the excerpt from the tender countenance of Elizabeth Barrette Browning about Pan speaks of her very own passionate unrequited love.


Unreturned love is a painful, long lasting, shame invoking and obsessive thinking, cringe worthy, uncomfortable psychological state that can last for weeks, many years, or a lifetime. Many a murder and permanent destruction of lives has occurred because of unrequited love. Fortunately, and thankfully in our modern times there is a word and definition for it.


Limerence: coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979 is the involuntary obsession of a person. Many people experience this unexpected state of persistent desire for another. Healthy people move through the infatuation, crystallization, destruction phases and go back to normal. Emotionally challenged individuals take longer to recover. Those on the OCD, autism and schizophrenic scale have a much harder time to let things go.


The difference between limerence and love is that love is caring about the wellbeing of the person and limerence is about the uncertainty of the situation.


Limerence is tied to trauma and abandonment and neglect from childhood. Those who experience extreme limerence don’t realize they are trying to rectify unstable childhood family experiences through reenacting them in the present. This repeated reenactment is the minds way of saying hey you better look at this because it is getting in the way of healthy relationships.


How does one overcome Limerence?


Be aware of what you are feeling. Limit contact with the obsession. Prioritize your own self-care. Challenge the obsessive thoughts. Redirect your energy. Avoid replacing one obsession with another. Have a strict no contact rule. Write in a journal. Talk to a therapist. Join support groups. Research limerence and understand how it is playing out in your life.


Note that time will eliminate limerence.


I am not sure if Syrinx in this encounter with Pan ever got the chance to escape the water nymphs turning her into cattail reeds, but Pan got his comeuppance in the sense that he had his own case of limerence. At least for a while until his next desire came along.

Jan10

Music and Love

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                              Music and Love

In the cacophony of the city existed an unpredicted tune that will bring two strangers together.

In his daily mundane routine Oliver became aware of smooth background jazz of Dave Brubeck. Brubeck’s “Take Five” was sweeping and dancing through the air.

It was raining as he stopped at the coffee shop. This was part of his usual routine and habit. He sat at a table looking around lost in thought.

The barista changed the entire energy of the coffee shop by playing “Moonlight Sonata” by Beethoven. Oliver didn’t mind, he was winding down after a long day. The music unexpectedly resonated deep within.

As he was glancing around, he noticed an attractive young lady. Becca was engrossed in reading at the corner table not noticing Oliver. To Oliver she was familiar. He felt connected to her as if the music had invisible strings connecting them.

Each note became a love language, evoking vulnerability, a spell cast, and wordless words not yet spoken.

At the last chord Oliver found the courage to approach Becca. In this small coffee shop under awkward hellos, raindrops, cascading music, enchantment and mystery begins a serendipitous new love story for two solitary souls.

Sep24

Thoughtful Thursday #317 – Writing

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Writing about writing, I write to get clarity in what I am struggling with. Lately for some reason it has been really difficult to write about anything.

I am not sure why, I have a hunch that this resistance is from some internal, unconscious, conflict. One part of me wants to write her heart out and the other parts makes her forget because it may bring too much attention to us. She is afraid of people, she wants to stay invisible, it’s safer this way.

I want this scared part of me to know that we will be OK, I will never let anyone hurt or humiliate her again. We are safe now and she can rest and not be on guard so much.

I hope she hears me and can trust me.

 

Aug13

Thoughtful Thursday #312 – Ritual Sexual Abuse

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Trigger Warning, this is the work of Ellen P. Lacter PHD. who has the courage to examine Ritual Sexual Abuse and spreading the word of advocacy for victims of this horrific and sadistic abuse.

She has treated both child victims and adult survivors and has written in depth articles showing the effects of Ritual Sexual Abuse and the mindset of the perpetrator.

I am sharing this tough article because I refuse to say silent about child sexual abuse and sharing articles like this enlightens everyone, child sexual abuse is a crime that needs to end.

 

http://endritualabuse.org/category/what-is-ritual-abuse/

Full Article Index

Jul9

Thoughtful Thursday #309 – In Service To Humanity

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With today’s negativity on TV and radio and magazines and hurt people acting out violently we can get sucked into the drama very easily and end up feeling hopeless and afraid.

Focusing on the external will make you feel you must react in some way. Not necessarily.

If you make your reference point external and have that run your day you are unwittingly acting from victim consciousness, when we operate from a victim consciousness we give away all our power to external people and events.

Note: people who are hurting aka victims, hurt other people which creates more victim consciousness. Think of the bully who has to hurt others because he/she is hurt.

When we meet angry events with the same polarity and divisiveness that created the angry event, and we are meeting those events with low level reactions and we are  postponing a greater world.

A world of peace, love, compassion, respect for all sentient beings, the openness to talk to one another and expand our wonderful world of exceptional humans and believe it or not, most people want this. Most people want to live in peace and safety.

Instead take a break from the negativity and choose a higher form of action:

  1. refuse to get taken in by unhealthy actions of those who wish to harm.
  2. have gratitude for the ability to choose your reactions.
  3. find reasons to feel positive.
  4. find people who you can love and that love you.
  5. send good wishes and pure feelings to everyone.
  6. take the time to think and understand what is going on in your life.
  7. take the time to think about how to react.
  8. be kind whenever possible.

Let’s build each other up instead of tearing down, let’s be of a greater service to humanity. Let’s be united for a better world with positivity. All of us.

 

 

 

Apr9

Thoughtful Thursday #298 – Coronavirus and Panic

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Coronavirus pandemic is causing tremendous panic to everyone. People are hoarding essentials, emptying  grocery shelves, and businesses are overcharging for safety material.  That is more than enough to cause a panic in addition to the possiblity in catching the coronavirus.

Panic is a natural response to what is happening, there is a sense of loss in many areas, our normal routines, restricted freedom, minimum socializing, noticing stores are overcharging  for everything, this is to name a few losses.

It’s OK, this is a temporary situation and at this point we are entrenched in this new norm and many of us are thinking about all the possibilities that can occur when this is over.

Self care is most important during this time. Do what it takes to get grounded and calm, look at happy movies and videos, turn off the news, reach out to others on social media, find a way to get peaceful and connected. And follow the CDC guidelines.

We will come out of this, this is guaranteed, so in this period of isolation be creative in your self care.

Stay safe and well.

 

Dec26

Thoughtful Thursday #285 – The Power of Words

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Sticks and stones can break your bones and words can hurt you too.

Words have the power to explain, and uplift and shame and sooth and entice and many more ways to influence us, every day and in all ways.

How do you communicate? Do you think before you speak?

Words are intrinsic to self examination, sharing information, connecting emotionally. Words can trigger pain or can build bridges or burn false beliefs.

You get my point, the words you speak to yourself are as important as the words you speak to others.

Are you kind or mean with your internal dialog? Do you repeat fears and worries, do you take the time to listen to the your internal dialog and distinguish between the false lies or the quiet truth. Do you take the time to be quiet, still, grounded?

How you speak to yourself has a dramatic effect, if you put yourself down all the time you will start to believe it even if it is not true.

Start by paying attention to what you are telling yourself and make an effort to speak to yourself with lovingkindness. You are so very important, please start now.

 

 

Dec5

Thoughtful Thursday #282 – Shame

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There are many ways we feel shame, in Psychotherapist’s Joseph Burgo book there are 4 subtypes of shame and I will list them here:

  1. Unrequited Love-this is not only the type of unreciprocated love between adults, the author explains that it happens in infancy and childhood when a parent is not able to respond to the child in a healthy way. In my opinion this explains those nasty situations where we run after unavailable people. This makes a lot of sense to me.
  2. Unwanted exposure-maybe you were called out on something and humiliated about it.
  3. Disappointed exception-perhaps you set out to do something and fail.
  4. Being left out-it happens everywhere, home, work, school. No one wants to feel alone and rejected.

Shame can be so mentally excruciating that we are stopped in our tracks or run away from the pain. And that is normal.

How to heal shame: very difficult without mindfulness. But certainly achievable by doing the important work of examining your mental health. There is Mr. Burgo’s book plus the classic book on shame by John Bradshaw. There are thousands of articles and books available plus it’s really helpful to have a therapist so you can work through the core emotion of shame.

Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy and Build True Self Esteem by Mr. Joseph Burgo
Healing the Shame That Binds You – John Bradshaw.
Both books are a good starting point for examining shame.
Carry on. You can do this.

 

Oct31

Thoughtful Thursday #277 – Feeling Safe After Trauma

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After trauma we can be so hypervigilant that anything will scare us, whether it’s a loud noise or scary thoughts, we perceive threats at every turn. This is a hard way to live; we just can’t relax and remain jumpy and tense, often for years.

As children grow they internalize levels of safety, if the caregivers were trustworthy the child feels safe enough to relax, if the caregivers were both physical and emotionally unsafe the child is always on alert to any real or imagined danger.

Many children never had or lost their sense of safety very early in life and grew unaware of any other options; this belief is carried into adulthood leaving the adult sometimes to create extreme safety methods like isolation. This would be a normal response to an abnormal childhood but in adulthood it is very unhealthy.

Take notice to what safety means to you, are you edgy in crowds, have no patience for mistakes and uncertainty, is safety something you find elusive and long for.

Giving a long list of methods of how to relax does not work, you must go deep into that scary trauma place, it won’t be easy, and temporarily scary and uncomfortable, but coming through to the other side of examining what your safety issues are and where they came from will expel that threat energy to relaxed energy that will create a safe space for you to heal.

Find that place where you deserve to heal, find someone you feel safe with, a therapist, friend, a piece of paper and pen, try any and all ideas you have to heal, you are worth the effort.

Sep12

Thoughtful Thursday #271 – José Micard Teixeira Author & Coach

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Here’s a post from one of my favorite writers, in this short article he says what most of us want to express.

His writing is a reminder that we must choose to be ourselves always even if you are unsure, scared or insecure. Live like  “a rebel with no shame” as Mr. Teixeira says.

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I repel everything that’s supposed to be. I reject everything that it’s imposed on me. I can’t stand conditions or hierarchies. All this immodesty and false humility angers me. I have a hard time accepting injustice and prejudice. I hardly can make friendships and partnerships because it demands from me what I don’t want or know how to give. I’m a loner with an optimistic attitude who seeks to postpone everyday his mental illness. I’m not mad, but I love the madness in finding me mad. I’m proud of who I am. I’m not going to change for anyone. I don’t care about what others think of me. I do what I want and I say whatever I feel like. I’m a rebel with no shame. There’s nothing else to do. I’ll die smiling.

José Micard Teixeira
Author & Coach