Sticks and stones can break your bones and words can hurt you too.
Words have the power to explain, and uplift and shame and sooth and entice and many more ways to influence us, every day and in all ways.
How do you communicate? Do you think before you speak?
Words are intrinsic to self examination, sharing information, connecting emotionally. Words can trigger pain or can build bridges or burn false beliefs.
You get my point, the words you speak to yourself are as important as the words you speak to others.
Are you kind or mean with your internal dialog? Do you repeat fears and worries, do you take the time to listen to the your internal dialog and distinguish between the false lies or the quiet truth. Do you take the time to be quiet, still, grounded?
How you speak to yourself has a dramatic effect, if you put yourself down all the time you will start to believe it even if it is not true.
Start by paying attention to what you are telling yourself and make an effort to speak to yourself with lovingkindness. You are so very important, please start now.
There are many ways we feel shame, in Psychotherapist’s Joseph Burgo book there are 4 subtypes of shame and I will list them here:
- Unrequited Love-this is not only the type of unreciprocated love between adults, the author explains that it happens in infancy and childhood when a parent is not able to respond to the child in a healthy way. In my opinion this explains those nasty situations where we run after unavailable people. This makes a lot of sense to me.
- Unwanted exposure-maybe you were called out on something and humiliated about it.
- Disappointed exception-perhaps you set out to do something and fail.
- Being left out-it happens everywhere, home, work, school. No one wants to feel alone and rejected.
Shame can be so mentally excruciating that we are stopped in our tracks or run away from the pain. And that is normal.
How to heal shame: very difficult without mindfulness. But certainly achievable by doing the important work of examining your mental health. There is Mr. Burgo’s book plus the classic book on shame by John Bradshaw. There are thousands of articles and books available plus it’s really helpful to have a therapist so you can work through the core emotion of shame.
Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy and Build True Self Esteem by Mr. Joseph Burgo
Healing the Shame That Binds You – John Bradshaw.
Both books are a good starting point for examining shame.
Carry on. You can do this.
After trauma we can be so hypervigilant that anything will scare us, whether it’s a loud noise or scary thoughts, we perceive threats at every turn. This is a hard way to live; we just can’t relax and remain jumpy and tense, often for years.
As children grow they internalize levels of safety, if the caregivers were trustworthy the child feels safe enough to relax, if the caregivers were both physical and emotionally unsafe the child is always on alert to any real or imagined danger.
Many children never had or lost their sense of safety very early in life and grew unaware of any other options; this belief is carried into adulthood leaving the adult sometimes to create extreme safety methods like isolation. This would be a normal response to an abnormal childhood but in adulthood it is very unhealthy.
Take notice to what safety means to you, are you edgy in crowds, have no patience for mistakes and uncertainty, is safety something you find elusive and long for.
Giving a long list of methods of how to relax does not work, you must go deep into that scary trauma place, it won’t be easy, and temporarily scary and uncomfortable, but coming through to the other side of examining what your safety issues are and where they came from will expel that threat energy to relaxed energy that will create a safe space for you to heal.
Find that place where you deserve to heal, find someone you feel safe with, a therapist, friend, a piece of paper and pen, try any and all ideas you have to heal, you are worth the effort.
Here’s a post from one of my favorite writers, in this short article he says what most of us want to express.
His writing is a reminder that we must choose to be ourselves always even if you are unsure, scared or insecure. Live like “a rebel with no shame” as Mr. Teixeira says.
I repel everything that’s supposed to be. I reject everything that it’s imposed on me. I can’t stand conditions or hierarchies. All this immodesty and false humility angers me. I have a hard time accepting injustice and prejudice. I hardly can make friendships and partnerships because it demands from me what I don’t want or know how to give. I’m a loner with an optimistic attitude who seeks to postpone everyday his mental illness. I’m not mad, but I love the madness in finding me mad. I’m proud of who I am. I’m not going to change for anyone. I don’t care about what others think of me. I do what I want and I say whatever I feel like. I’m a rebel with no shame. There’s nothing else to do. I’ll die smiling.
José Micard Teixeira
Author & Coach
There is no such thing as a hopeless situation, all circumstances can change.
Use your noodle (thinking), take a long look at yourself and your beliefs. Make your choices real by writing down all possibilities,
Is there an internal belief that needs to be ripped out by the roots? Are you open to thinking outside of the the preverbal box?
It won’t be easy to do this, but you must because you need to know your situation is not hopeless.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — C.G. Jung
We must become conscious of our beliefs and feelings going on in our minds or we cannot change or transform ourselves and our lives. If something said is repeated over and over it becomes real, but in many cases what was said is either outdated at this point.
If we want to live with meaning and purpose we must make a list of these beliefs and feelings and examine them and tear them apart and eliminate those that don’t resonate with our values.
When we act from outmoded beliefs and feelings we stay stuck and can’t do the necessary letting go so we can move on.
In my case, both my caregivers were mentally ill so I had many bizarre beliefs and feelings that did not make sense even at a young age, I was not self-aware for a long time until I was much older and could be a bit objective about those beliefs and worked with therapists.
Many beliefs we pick up during our lives are dysfunctional. They make us limited.
On a regular basis we must update our beliefs, what was true in the past may not apply now. We must find those very deep beliefs that are not very conscious and rip them out by the roots. This is not easy, it requires, courage, sticking with a therapist, and a commitment to your own self-care.
This uncovering is all about finding the truth, your truth, so you can live the best life that is unique to you. We want to be whole, we want our inner parts integrated, we want to be happy.
None is possible unless we care deeply for ourselves on a regular basis. You are so worth the effort and with this loving effort for yourself the transformation of your life is permanent.
From FB page The Psychology Babes
Deciding to be determined is to act without making excuses for our own inaction. It’s an end to waiting to see if our circumstances change.
When we get discouraged we can remind ourselves that it is our own actions that can lift us up instead of waiting for and outside influence to help us.
There is no limit to determination: we can always extend it,
Our own determination can never be taken from us.
Determination is the vow we make to ourselves to get up again and again after falling. When we fail we learn and change the direction of our determination.
The moment you resolve to succeed using your determination everything will shift in your favor.
Try it, it will work, you are so worth the effort.
Focusing on lacking anything is an affirmation of lack.
I have no one to love.
I don’t have enough money.
I can’t sell. ‘
I’m not good enough and so on.
Sometimes we are not even aware of the impact of what we are saying to ourselves and putting out into the Universe. These beliefs can be very powerful yet so subtle. Thoughts and words have energy to manifest.
This is the time to be mindful. Question how you came to think in lack terms. Then stop thinking in lack terms. Redirect your thoughts to positive affirmations: I have a healthy relationship. I have enough money to follow my dreams, I am learning how to sell, I am more than good enough.
Say these positive affirmations over and over then start taking action in that direction. The Universe will hear you and the energy will open doors for you.
Affirmations are those positive thoughts and words that are said internally and out loud over and over until you believe them and see the truth of them.
Simpler said than done, but saying affirmations do help make one feel better.
If you go back to negative thinking very quickly, it’s because of the long-standing criticism you have of yourself. It’s OK. You can redirect your thinking at any time.
If you find resistance when you are saying positive affirmations then that is where you have an issue to look at.
Practicing affirmations is the key to making them work. It takes at least a month of speaking kind words, compassionate words, uplifting words to yourself.
Here are two of my favorite affirmations.
I believe in myself.
I approve of myself.
And you can also research the subject on-line. Louise Hay was a pioneer in positive affirmations and her audiobooks are free online.