Tag Archives: blame

You Will Fall In Love With A Broken Person by Ella Ceron on Thought Catalog

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Whatever it is, whatever happened to them, whatever they’re going through, whatever haunts them and controls them and leaves them wanting more — it will have nothing and everything to do with you.

Nothing, because it probably happened before you entered their life. It was a breakup, or a trauma, or faith and trust and belief that went south somewhere.

Everything, because you will try to fix them, or help them, or wonder why you are not enough, why you cannot heal their wounds and mend their broken heart and change their mind.

You’re going to swear to yourself that you’ll never fall into this pit, and then you’ll watch as it happens. You’ll kick yourself for doing what you said you’d never do. You’ll ask yourself why you’re bothering. Why you think you’re the exception to the rule. Why you can’t just heed the warning signs.

You know, all along, that this is someone with a heart in shards, a soul in pieces, and little affection and warmth and stability to give you — you won’t blame them for it, they need all the resources they can give themselves — yet you still try.

Love works in funny ways, and we love all the things we never plan on loving. We attach ourselves to the things we think we should not love. Moths have their flames, little kids their wet cement, dogs their puddles.

We have lovers who do not — and cannot — love us back.

But you will love them, no matter how much you try not to. No matter how much you say you don’t. You’ll watch as they pull themselves further down, and sometimes drag you down too. They’re not trying to, but between keeping you at a distance and not knowing how to love you back, even if they want to, there’s a whole host of complications that bubble up when a broken person is loved by someone else.

Eventually, one of two things will happen. They let you in, bit by bit, and you learn slowly how to let them fix themselves; or you lick your wounds and move on. One is not more or less noble than the other. One hurts a little more. One is a little more rare. Both have the potential of breaking you. Both have the potential for you to learn that love is not something you force upon someone and demand they return, but something that you have to offer freely. Something that nobody’s obligated to accept. Whether or not they’re ready to take it. And if they’re not ready, then they’re not ready.

But you will fall in love with a broken person, at least once in your life. It happens to everyone. The odds are stacked against us that somebody or something will have gotten there first and wrenched somebody’s affection apart and left scars in those things we call our hearts. And the broken person you love will be hesitant and skittish and nervous, but that doesn’t mean they deserve any less love just because they’re afraid of being burned again.

All you can do is love them. All you can do is be there for them. And if you’re lucky, they will learn to love you, too.

If you’re not, and if you wind up breaking, too, well, you’re not alone. And if there’s anything love stories teach us, it’s that you can heal. You can grow. You can try again.

Because often, the broken people we find and fall in love with and help heal wind up being ourselves.

Out of the Darkness

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Out of the darkness
into the sea
there is our future
our destiny

Clamoring for closeness
under the bridge
into the hedges
a brick wall lives

Out of the darkness
the shadows dwell
with all the answers
we seek of hell
the healing, the wishes,
the desire for flame
here it is under the same
here it is without the blame
under my skin
and in my veins
bloody vines ride up my spine
I remember the time
when just light existed
in my mind
now there is both the dark and the light
living together with all their might

g.piazza

Codependents Control Patterns

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Codependents often…………………

 

. believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves

. attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel

. freely offer advice and direction without being asked

. become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice

. lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence

. use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance

. have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others

. demand that their needs be met by others

. use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally

. refuse to cooperate, compromise or negotiate

. adopt an attitude to indifference, helplessness, authority or rage to manipulate outcomes

. use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others

. pretend to agree with others to get what they want

 

from CODA.org

 

 

 

Thoughtful Thursdays #58 Compassion and Blame

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I realized something profound today. I was blamed as the cause of someones pain. I don’t remember causing this person so much pain. Even though I don’t remember I am willing to accept the blame 100% because it frees them. It brings them freedom to get rid of a burden and move forward.

This the most compassionate thing I can do.

I will cease being defensive and accept this persons

pain. I offer my pain and theirs for all that suffer

the same problems.

g.piazza

Blame

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There are occasions that all of us played a part in the blame for something. Our part in the blaming event has become hidden in forgetting what we did with whom. We cannot recall the events or actions of the time. Or maybe we have gone into denial of what was actually done.

It is helpful to be aware that an error in judgment or misunderstanding is more about choosing the wrong option at the time. As soon as you realize this it is your opportunity to change direction. Perhaps you are partly to blame. If so, admit it. At that moment you make the choice not to repeat the same mistake again.

 If you make the choice not to repeat the same mistake and slip up, take heart and keep trying. You will succeed.

 Happy trying.