We become ashamed of ourselves based on others opinions and unrealistic views of who we should be.
Maybe we were told we were the family idiot or not good at anything and don’t deserve to exist.
When we were young we believed these things from our caregivers because we thought of them as gods. Not good gods either, more like frightening monsters.
As adults we have issues with trust, intimacy, boundaries etc. We are scared because we believe we are flawed with secrets of self-hatred, addictions, depraved things we have done and so on.
What is the answer, there is no easy answer but there is an answer. I am going to shout this out:
EVERYONE IS FLAWED, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, WE HAVE ALL BEEN STUPID, PERVERSE, WE ARE ALL ODD, INSECURE, PRETENDING TO KNOW IT ALL, WICKED, BAD TEMPERED, TRYING VERY HARD TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER GROUP OF HUMAN BEINGS.
Let’s stop judging ourselves and others based on unrealistic views coming from media, dysfunctional families and violence, it’s far better to accept ourselves and others based on our humanness. Let’s celebrate our differences and laugh at the strangeness of our human existence. We are all in the same boat of trying to live a decent life. Let’s pat ourselves on the back and be supportive of others who are trying too.
I have had two strong flashbacks that has kicked my complex trauma response into high gear. That’s the thing with C-PTSD flashbacks, it places me in two worlds. The world of the past and the present.
Flashbacks are important in trauma recovery but not at all easy to process. Flashbacks are a necessary part of healing. You can’t heal if you don’t feel.
At this time there is a part of me that feels it’s safe enough to allow a repressed memory to surface. I am thankful for that. Doing this kind of work and the willingness to feel the feelings of the past uncovers underlying traumatic emotions.
Once the repressed feelings come to the surface it is easier to make positive change, stay in the present moment and get happy again.
When I was sixteen years old it occurred to me that something was terribly wrong with my family interactions. This was the beginning of my long journey, or should I say my lifelong journey of finding the truth. This journey has been very hard at times but the more truth that was uncovered the healthier and happier I became.
Finding the truth unveiled lots of information that helped me understand the dysfunctional dynamics that were going on and where I was placed within that strange puzzle.
I am still unraveling the trauma all these years later. And I am not at all disturbed by this. As hard as it is to know the sick truths of the horrible treatment I incurred, I will never stop looking for the truth.
On the bright side, the more I know about me the more I know about others. The side effect of finding the truth of human behavior is the ability to know others and that is priceless.
In the process of self discovery we might find some cringe worthy stuff we have done. How could have I done such a stupid thing we say? I wasted my life. What have I done?
It’s OK, we have all been there. Self discovery is the path to self-esteem. What we have done in the past is over and I am sure we learned from those mistakes and moved on.
Along the voyage of self discovery we need to see how we came to do those actions. Once we know what has influenced us we can make changes in a more positive direction. We can look at what works and what does not work.
It is never too late to unlearn those silly things we thought were OK. Choose to live in your own authenticity and this will build your self-esteem. You will be so proud of yourself.
Go ahead puff that chest out and hold your head up high, you are wonderful.
What is your inner dialogue like? Do you say harsh things to yourself like : boy are you stupid, you can’t do anything right, you are so slow, what’s wrong with you, you will never fit in, you are fat, you’ll never be attractive.
These words you say to yourself are just as damaging as if someone actually said them to you. We can speculate where we learned to talk to ourselves like this but truthfully you are in control now.
The habit of talking to yourself negatively does not go away quickly. If you can say one positive statement to yourself in a day you will be on your way to being kind and compassionate to yourself.
It’s very hard to be a positive contributing human if we are secretly harboring self hate. Work up to more and more positive self talk and you will see a difference in your external world too.
Just in case you didn’t hear it today, you are doing a great job in all your efforts.
This is a hard one. Childhood Emotional Neglect blog has a realistic answer. 10 Rules Emotions Follow:
# 9 Sitting with a powerful emotion and letting yourself feel it while thinking about it to understand why you’re having it, what it means, and what it’s telling you, is called “processing it.”
#10 Your feelings are valuable messages from your deepest self. When you follow Rule 9, you are listening to the messages, honoring yourself, and making use of this valuable resource from within.
We all have feelings and some are unexplainable and that is OK because your feelings come from your subconscious. When strong feelings come up, follow rule #9 and #10.
It won’t be easy to sit with uncomfortable feelings but you will come out on the other side feeling quite different knowing there was a shift in your mind and that is all you need to facilitate healing.
No one wants to be bullied and as we know the objective is to oppress, torment, intimidate and browbeat someone into submission.
Bullying is easily recognized if we are observing it in real-time. But do we recognize bullying when we do it to ourselves? Probably not, here are some signals you are bullying yourself.
- your inner critic has a field day beating you up by noticing everything that you do wrong.
- your inner critic says unkind, mean things to you.
- some believe that the inner critic is a motivator to do better, this is completely false.
- anxiety, image issues, social anxiety can be the inner critic hounding you with negativity.
- watching TV shows that are violent and traumatize you with fear. (I binge watch crime shows.)
You can’t completely get rid of the inner critic however you can arrest its relentlessness and power with a these few tips.
- pay attention to your thoughts.
- don’t beat yourself up about these thoughts.
- notice what your triggers are.
- respond to yourself with kindness.
- speak to yourself with compassion.
- turn off your TV for a while and limit the shows that are violent. (I’m watching more happy programs.)
- redirect your thoughts and actions to something happy.
Being mindful, kind and compassionate to yourself is an important skill to learn and takes some time.
Instead, you want caring, reassuring, encouraging and supportive words and actions towards yourself.
You are so worth the time and effort.