I am a bit of a hoarder – there I said it. I hoard stuff and not just a little bit, but a lot of stuff.
I’m trying to find a way around getting unattached to my stuff. But it’s hard. I have books and clothes and fabric and tools and dishes and antiques and artwork and many memories and furniture and on and on.
One part of me is entwined with a strange comfort of having so much stuff.
And the other part is teary eyed at the thought of losing the comfort I feel surrounded by my stuff.
I did manage to sell one thing online and it was an interesting emotional experience.
I got a little handmade African canister for free and I didn’t “emotionally” want to let it go. I listed it online to sell it and when the winning bid came in I knew it had to go.
As I wrapped it up to mail it out I was sad. I don’t know exactly why but that little canister made me happy on some level.
One part of me feels efficient, mature, responsible even proud of making a few bucks online.
The other part of me feels sad at the loss of a beautiful object.
Alas, the efficient part of me won out.
Non attachment takes great effort and in my case not all at once.
My non attachment practice is to slowly drop items I don’t really need one at a time.
As I wallow between hollow sadness of letting go of my stuff and losing track of stuff that has been temporarily mine I slowly move more of my stuff on for someone else to enjoy.
Emotional numbing comes in two forms:
- detaching emotionally as a coping method to avoid triggering overwhelming feelings.
- detaching emotionally as a form of keeping boundaries and protecting from any psychic trauma.
What does it feel like to be emotionally numb? You feel like a ghost watching and observing others go along in their lives and you feel so invisible that you can’t interact with anyone. This state of mind is very painful. You feel unfocused and ungrounded. Can’t communicate or think straight.
There can be many causes for emotional numbing only you can say how it occurred in your life.
So how do you manage in the meantime.
- identify triggers, what caused your initial shutdown.
- write it out uncensored on your computer or by hand.
- talk to a therapist or trusted friend.
- stay busy.
- eat and sleep well.
- remember, the feeling is temporary.
It may take some time to come out of emotional numbness but that is the OK. Mental health is very important and it takes time to understand what is going on in our minds. Is it a linear process, not at all. Healing has its own time table, have patience with yourself and in the meantime take really good care of yourself. You are worth it.
Whether you have chosen through your intellect to forgive or had a spiritual experience and spontaneously forgiven there is one element still at play.
Healing……………….Just because you forgive does not mean you have healed from the injustice inflicted on you. Healing takes time.
Don’t forgive to speed up healing. It doesn’t work that way. Healing is on a different level, more on a physical level along with intellectual level. We hold the things that need forgiving in our body and mind. Healing is an ongoing process and perhaps so is forgiveness.
There is no right or wrong way to forgive or heal. It’s your journey to find what fits for you.
You feel sad, people are rude, you are munching on junk food, your bag of chips is empty and you are down in the dumps.
Well pumpkin, take heart, humans have feelings, some can be explained and some are random. You have permission to be human, you don’t have to control your feelings.
Try to let feelings move through you before reacting. Acknowledge those uncomfortable feelings and release them. Will you be able to do this on a first try? Nope. Try as many times as you need to.
Feelings have life spans, some are quick, some last a while, some seem to never go away. Resist the urge to analyze every feeling or thought.
Here are some suggestions for self-care while you are feeling a little or a lot off.
- talk kindly and with compassion to yourself.
- it’s OK to feel your feelings.
- read a book.
- listen to music.
- find a healthy distraction like cute animal videos, take a walk in nature, go to a gym.
- talk to a trusted friend.
- light a candle.
- get together with friends.
- be good to your body.
- try coloring with your non dominant hand.
As you move through your internal life remember, it’s OK to get good at being good to yourself.
I have a recurring theme in my life, when things don’t go the way I want them to go because of distractions or obstacles I try to remember to hang in there. For a long time I did not do that I just gave up.
I can’t give up anymore. If I am distracted I refocus my attention. If there is an obstacle I handle it and begin again. Each time I begin again is a step forward and that is all that matters.
One step at a time.
We become ashamed of ourselves based on others opinions and unrealistic views of who we should be.
Maybe we were told we were the family idiot or not good at anything and don’t deserve to exist.
When we were young we believed these things from our caregivers because we thought of them as gods. Not good gods either, more like frightening monsters.
As adults we have issues with trust, intimacy, boundaries etc. We are scared because we believe we are flawed with secrets of self-hatred, addictions, depraved things we have done and so on.
What is the answer, there is no easy answer but there is an answer. I am going to shout this out:
EVERYONE IS FLAWED, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, WE HAVE ALL BEEN STUPID, PERVERSE, WE ARE ALL ODD, INSECURE, PRETENDING TO KNOW IT ALL, WICKED, BAD TEMPERED, TRYING VERY HARD TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER GROUP OF HUMAN BEINGS.
Let’s stop judging ourselves and others based on unrealistic views coming from media, dysfunctional families and violence, it’s far better to accept ourselves and others based on our humanness. Let’s celebrate our differences and laugh at the strangeness of our human existence. We are all in the same boat of trying to live a decent life. Let’s pat ourselves on the back and be supportive of others who are trying too.
I have had two strong flashbacks that has kicked my complex trauma response into high gear. That’s the thing with C-PTSD flashbacks, it places me in two worlds. The world of the past and the present.
Flashbacks are important in trauma recovery but not at all easy to process. Flashbacks are a necessary part of healing. You can’t heal if you don’t feel.
At this time there is a part of me that feels it’s safe enough to allow a repressed memory to surface. I am thankful for that. Doing this kind of work and the willingness to feel the feelings of the past uncovers underlying traumatic emotions.
Once the repressed feelings come to the surface it is easier to make positive change, stay in the present moment and get happy again.
When I was sixteen years old it occurred to me that something was terribly wrong with my family interactions. This was the beginning of my long journey, or should I say my lifelong journey of finding the truth. This journey has been very hard at times but the more truth that was uncovered the healthier and happier I became.
Finding the truth unveiled lots of information that helped me understand the dysfunctional dynamics that were going on and where I was placed within that strange puzzle.
I am still unraveling the trauma all these years later. And I am not at all disturbed by this. As hard as it is to know the sick truths of the horrible treatment I incurred, I will never stop looking for the truth.
On the bright side, the more I know about me the more I know about others. The side effect of finding the truth of human behavior is the ability to know others and that is priceless.