Pain and shame are the hardest feelings to sit with. We will do anything not to feel them.
When we are willing to go to these frightening places something wonderful happens. We have the chance to witness past and present events and their impact with a new, clearer sight. Which illuminates our thinking about close relationships in the present.
You may even become determined in changing those relationships and becoming free to choose healthier alternatives.
All it takes is a little bit of curiosity and courage to look at those scary emotional places and a baby step toward a new direction.
Family is a loaded subject for me because my family consists of my kids, cats and me. I never had a real family with a loving parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins. Nor could I give that to my kids. I did the best I could and I always talked about our situation and encouraged my kids to have lots of friends. Which they did.
I often wonder what that would have been like to have that family you see advertised on Christmas cards and commercials. The kind of family you see going on vacations and sitting at the dinner table. The kind of family that you could trust and talk to.
I did try to be that family for my kids. We are not perfect but we have each other.
I know the definition of family is different for everyone and no family is perfect.
I decided a long time ago that it’s OK to be a small family and there is no reason why we can’t pick and choose non-biological family members.
After all, family is about including others and family includes everyone we care about.
We all have an inner and outer world. In our head there are so many thoughts and voices it’s hard to identify which way is the most effective way.
We all have an outer world that reflects your inner world. The mess, confusion, the paralysis.
How to get the both in sync is to find your way of grounding yourself.
To start: In whatever task you are doing direct your thoughts to the present moment.
For example: I am washing the dishes, I am cutting an onion, I am driving my car, I am walking the dog. Bring attention to your breathing. Let the thoughts come with no judgement. Don’t judge yourself either.
The idea is to get out of your head for a little while and find a sense of peace away from racing thoughts and impulsive actions.
Your inner world and outer world will thank you for the peace.
Road rage is never about the traffic incident, it’s about underlying, unresolved anger that is misplaced.
Over reacting to any situation is usually about unresolved hurt, anger, oppression or any other uncomfortable feeling of frustration.
I am not minimizing that a particular event like road rage is not meaningful.
These trigger events are meaningful because they show you where you have been hiding, and not dealing with uncomfortable stuff.
These trigger events are your reminder of where you are not looking to be healed.
These trigger events are your teachers.
These trigger events are monumental in transforming your life.
Look where you are hurting, go to the places that make you uncomfortable, be willing to be curious about what is triggering you.
You may have to change some stuff: do you need to remove yourself from a situation, do you need to protect yourself, do you need to have a difficult conversation. Then by all means do it, it’s going to hurt temporarily, but you will be so much better off in the long run.
Welcome Road Rage and any other Rage into your life. It’s the place you need to change something.
It is common information about emotional trauma being trapped in the body. Google it or go to the library for reading material.
However, how do we uncover emotions without the long stretches in therapy or costly physical therapies?
Start with walking more, take the stairs, swim, dance, rent a bike, work out, walk your neighbor’s dog, garden, yoga on youtube.
The next step to exorcise those pesky emotions that sneak up on you and settle in your body, sit with paper and pen or open a word document and pour your mind onto a page.
By exercising you can release trauma from your body which is connected to your mind.
By writing you exorcise trauma from your mind which is connected to your body.
Find your balance.
If you have 15 minutes for yourself what would you do?
Call a friend, Mend some clothing, Paint a picture, Sing a song, Write in stream of consciousness, Meditate, Listen to you favorite music, Draw a picture, Write a positive note to your significant other, Feed your pet some treats, Gaze at the night sky, Sit still in the morning hours before daylight, Read something interesting, Count the stars, Sip a hot beverage, Send good wishes to those in need, Not complain in your voice or head, Just listen intently to your environment.
Finish the list of your favorites.
And you do have 15 minutes anytime you want. Indulge happily.
Internalized oppression is when we have been oppressed and unwittingly use the methods of the oppressor against ourselves. The oppressor could be family of origin, your unfulfilling job, negative friends, or any other area that feels oppressive. Wow that is a heavy realization.
How do we recognize this internalized oppression?
- Where am I punishing myself. Am I continuing a behavior that is keeping me down.
- Are my beliefs based on an oppressors opinion?
- Do I want to assimilate or fit in with my oppressors to feel of value?
- Do you have oppressive views of your identity?
- Do you believe you have no power?
Here are some remedies. I am sure there are many more.
- Stop a negative behavior and sit with the feeling. There’s a good chance there is shame and guilt present. Express any feelings that come up.
- You now have permission to have your own opinions and don’t need any validation but your own.
- You are not supposed to fit in, you are supposed to be your own person without apologies.
- Your identity is your own, no one can tell you who you are.
- Power can be overwhelming, take baby steps in reclaiming your personal power.
We learn to oppress ourselves, and it can be unlearned. This is the work of an empowered adult.
So get to work, you are worth it.
There are three things necessary to our wellbeing: Identity, Community and Purpose.
However in our fractured world where these things are hard to find, many people, young people especially are lost in the world. The internet doesn’t help. Even though the internet is a tremendous asset there is not much in the way of human interaction. So we become fractured. We lose any sense of identity, community and purpose. We flip from one relationship to another to find our identity, racing from one community to another to feel we fit in, and trying over and over again different causes to feel personally satisfied. Or we can completely shut down.
We can see the lies fed to everyone by invisible agenda makers. These invisible agenda makers know psychology to manipulate those who are searching for their lost identity, community and purpose. Their hidden agenda is to tap into these basic human needs to the detriment of the searcher. These invisible agenda makers come up as extremists groups as political, religious, consumerism and that sneaky minority of those who just hate humanity and are power-hungry to destroy anyone they can.
Let’s find out what our true identity, community and purpose is by not blindly following others but doing the work of learning about ourselves. If you have no sense of identity, find out who you are by your own standards. If you have no community, find like-minded people or create your own community. If you have no sense of purpose, find your passion and go for it.
It’s not easy to go your own way, it’s unknown territory so at times you will feel lonely and lost. That is OK. Sit with the feeling rather than running away from it. When you arrive to the other side you will know more of who you are, have an internal compass that will find the community that loves you and you get up every day happy to live your purpose.
Stop wasting time, learn more about you now.
Sin = wrongdoing, transgression, crime, offense.
Secret = not meant to be known or seen by others
To my understanding a sin is an action done out of ignorance.
To my understanding secrets can be surrounded by shame.
Ignorance does not protect us from consequences.
Shame keeps secrets in place.
If we have a secret that causes shame it may cause ignorant actions with many consequences.
We all have “sins and secrets” we want to go the grave with. But the burden of carrying “sins and secrets” is so very painful. Here are some safe ways of releasing the pain.
- Write your heart out without censure.
- Find a therapist or someone you can really trust to talk it out.
- Don’t beat yourself up, have compassion for yourself.
- Research the issues you are dealing with.
- Change what you can, leave the rest alone.
We are all human and we make mistakes, this is part of life. And every day is a new chance to change.
Unfortunately society tells us to rush, rush, rush. Work harder, Be the first, Be the fastest. You are not enough unless you do as everyone else does.
There is no rush to live your life or do your inner work. There is no time line. There is only the day by day actions that make your life fulfilling to you. There are only the small steps into knowing who you are. There is no finish line.
Only movement at your own pace.