Many of us have grown up in either mildly dysfunctional or maddeningly dysfunctional family systems. We could have lived through addictions, violence, mental illness, instability, abandonment and the result was trauma. At some point we have to stop seeking validation from those in our family system who can’t even validate themselves.
It’s time to separate. It’s time to let go of believing that they will change. It’s more probable that toxic people will always let you down and you deserve so much more. It’s time to miss events with those who are emotionally unavailable and toxic. When we separate we can acknowledge our pain and the depth of our family’s broken and unfit system. When we recognise our pain the healing begins.
When the healing begins you will regain your health, sanity, dignity and wholeness with this important and critical self-care. Will it be easy, nope. But so worth the effort.
It’s time to find out who you are in your own wholeness, separate from the trauma, drama and maladaptive idea of who you are. It’s time for you to go back to the unbroken and undamaged person you are meant to be, in one piece, peaceful and confident.
You are worth it.
Futility=Pointlessness and uselessness.
We can recognize futility by an emptiness, hollowness, inside your body. Maybe an action seems meaningless. Sometimes on certain days we may even feel ineffective and worthless.
Wow, that really sounds painful. That is surely true, that is what futility does, makes you feel really hopeless. No one wants to feel that way.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully feeling futile lasts only for a short time. Here are a few suggestions to lighten you up.
- These feelings are not permanent.
- What is the message futility is telling you, maybe you are feeling suppressed.
- Get some rest.
- Take some alone time to get back into alignment.
- It’s OK to feel sad and frustrated.
- Get professional help if you need it.
The more we learn about how we feel the better our lives will be. Take good care of yourself first.
We all have something we want to progress toward. A small thing or a large thing it doesn’t matter.
Progress is not all at once. Rather progress comes in bits and pieces, fits and starts, ups and downs, forward and backward.
That is OK and in a way that is how change happens, especially if the change is going to be permanent.
So in your frustration, when your progress is not fast enough, please remember that progress is not linear, it never will be. Going with the flow and being patient, putting one foot in front of the other will get you where you need to go, in soon enough time.
Growing up with one of my caregivers being schizophrenic and the other an addict made my childhood a living hell. Mental illness was the elephant in the room that no one talked about. Relatives kept away, no one wanted to get involved and there were not many resources for a child protection back then.
I am here to say that if you are feeling unsafe in your home and you are under 18, reach out to a school counselor or your teacher even a police officer, you can even walk into a criminal court and go to the victim services office for advice.
If you are over 18 and you are feeling unsafe in your home reach out to a therapist, find supportive allies, start creating distance with those who are unsafe. As an adult you can move around easier than a child can. You can leave your situation.
Being closely involved with those who have serious mental illness can make you feel crazy and unsure of your own sanity. It’s not you. Protect yourself because your very sanity and life depends on it.
You will come up against some who don’t want to get involved, that’s OK. Keep reaching out and you will prevail and regain the peace you deserve.
I know how you feel. Betrayed and abandoned by someone who you thought cared.
If you can feel betrayal and abandonment you are the healthy one.
People who constantly hurt and abandon are the broken ones.
I know it’s hard to do but………….
Feel it – breathe – carry on.
Art can be many things, for example, like painting, writing, singing, cooking, fashion, music, etc. Creativity in the arts is subjective. The beauty or chaos of the creation belongs to the beholder.
There is a place in this world for everyone’s creations. There is someone or many someones that will resonate with what you create. Whether it’s a painting or an article or a cake, there will be those that love it.
Therefore, as creative creatures we must never give up in creating and sharing our creations with the world at large. Share your creations on a blog, on Facebook, your family, friends or neighbors. Share what you have, someone needs to see it, perhaps to brighten their day.
And if you get a negative remark on your creation, just brush it off. Remarks are from those who are either jealous, out of touch with the beauty in any creation, or just plain miserable. Don’t let that bring you down. Keep creating and keep showing.
The world needs your creativity.
Ever wonder why you have certain beliefs that you stubbornly refuse to unbelieve? Eg. Only my religion is the right one.
Which ideas do you believe are true? Eg. All electronic equipment is reliable.
How many beliefs fall into the broad generalization category? Eg. All women can sew and all men can fix a car.
Is the belief based on emotion or evidence or did you swallow a second-hand opinion.
Self-examination of our beliefs is one true path to freedom. But be warned. It is not the easiest.
Pain and shame are the hardest feelings to sit with. We will do anything not to feel them.
When we are willing to go to these frightening places something wonderful happens. We have the chance to witness past and present events and their impact with a new, clearer sight. Which illuminates our thinking about close relationships in the present.
You may even become determined in changing those relationships and becoming free to choose healthier alternatives.
All it takes is a little bit of curiosity and courage to look at those scary emotional places and a baby step toward a new direction.
Family is a loaded subject for me because my family consists of my kids, cats and me. I never had a real family with a loving parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins. Nor could I give that to my kids. I did the best I could and I always talked about our situation and encouraged my kids to have lots of friends. Which they did.
I often wonder what that would have been like to have that family you see advertised on Christmas cards and commercials. The kind of family you see going on vacations and sitting at the dinner table. The kind of family that you could trust and talk to.
I did try to be that family for my kids. We are not perfect but we have each other.
I know the definition of family is different for everyone and no family is perfect.
I decided a long time ago that it’s OK to be a small family and there is no reason why we can’t pick and choose non-biological family members.
After all, family is about including others and family includes everyone we care about.
We all have an inner and outer world. In our head there are so many thoughts and voices it’s hard to identify which way is the most effective way.
We all have an outer world that reflects your inner world. The mess, confusion, the paralysis.
How to get the both in sync is to find your way of grounding yourself.
To start: In whatever task you are doing direct your thoughts to the present moment.
For example: I am washing the dishes, I am cutting an onion, I am driving my car, I am walking the dog. Bring attention to your breathing. Let the thoughts come with no judgement. Don’t judge yourself either.
The idea is to get out of your head for a little while and find a sense of peace away from racing thoughts and impulsive actions.
Your inner world and outer world will thank you for the peace.