Tag Archives: boundaries

Thoughtful Thursday #127 – Lies

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Honesty is very important to me. If I find out someone has deliberately lied they are no longer significant in my life.

I am not talking about little white lies but lies that are deliberately meant of mislead, hurt or deceive me.

Lying, slander, tall tale, backbiting, intentional, callous, uncaring, bullying, mean and violent assaults are done to create nothing but hurt.

There are many reasons why some people can be so emotionally damaging. Perhaps addiction, childhood issues, and other brutal influences. Unfortunately those who lash out are only interested in hurting because they are hurt. They are not even aware of their own motives, it’s very sad.

There is no one way to protect yourself from this kind onslaught, you must figure out a way that suits your situation.

Some of the most popular suggestions are:

Put up strong boundaries, expect to be challenged. Your emotions will go from high to low many times, create a strong support system, call the authorities if necessary, you are not alone, it’s not your fault, reach out for help.

Chronic lying is just the tip of the iceberg, lying is usually a ruse to keep something else secret.

You are important, very important, and you do not deserve to be lied to. It’s as simple as that. Do what you have to do to protect yourself. You are deserving of a safe, calm, and peaceful life.

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Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries Don’t Leave Home Without Them

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Boundaries are powerful.

We all have experienced someone whether in our personal lives or work life who just does not know the meaning of personal space and minding their own business. Wasting your precious time and resources. We have to learn skills for handling such situations.

  1. know when to say yes, know when to say no and mean it. No point in being wishy-washy.
  2. know that boundaries keep you mentally and emotionally safe.
  3. know that boundaries are a big part of your well-being.
  4. physical, intellectual, emotional, sexual, material and time are all subject to boundaries.

There are soft boundaries, rigid boundaries, boundaries somewhere in the middle that are very flexible. We all have a mix of these types of boundaries. A soft boundary may be for a child, a rigid boundary may be for your job, the middle flexible boundary may be for your family. No matter who we interact with boundaries will look different.

You may think setting boundaries is selfish, it is not selfish, boundaries are an important part of healthy mental health and happy well-being. If someone gets upset with you setting a boundary, it’s their problem, not yours, stick to the boundaries that keep you safe.

We must abide by others boundaries too. Boundaries are a two-way street. Boundaries cause us to feel more in control of our lives and that is very important in feeling a whole lot less fearful.

If you are not used to making boundaries then take it slow, a change like this does not happen immediately.

You are worth the effort, keep trying, and figure out a way to set healthy boundaries.

 

Healthy and Unhealthy Boundaries

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Boundaries can be subtle or obvious. Here’s a partial list adapted from LoveEngineer.com.

Trust everyone or no one vs developing appropriate trust over time.

Black and white thinking vs realizing nothing is black and white.

Expecting others to automatically meet your needs vs communicating your wants and needs. (with the possibility of them being declined).

Self abuse vs treating yourself with respect and dignity.

Giving too much or not at all vs respect for others generosity.

Believing others can read your mind vs recognizing others can’t read your mind.

These are just a few boundary issues prevalent in our lives. Let’s add to the list and change what we can to foster our own growth.

Thoughtful Thursdays #74 On Being A Bully

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Being a bully shows great weakness. It is weak to lose control of your temper. It shows you are afraid of something. Something life threatening. The causes of being a bully are many, loss of control, self esteen, personal pain, trauma.

Many times being a bully is the only form of control one thinks because outside events are uncontrolable. By continuing to be a bully there is the possibility of being so far from your feelings that giving suffering becomes enjoyable. Hence, becoming a psychopath.

Think, think, think about what you are doing. What are you so unhappy about? You are not helpless to change for the better.

Use your anger to barrel through the things that are not working and making you unhappy. Be a bully to change yourself for the better, to put up boundaries, commit to self  improve. It is your right to do so. It is your strength to do so.

Be a bully to take right actions.

To win the internal battle and vicious cycle of violence I offer a guaranteed way of progress.

GIVE NO ONE SORROW

AND

TAKE NO SORROW

Guaranteed…………………..

Codependents Low Self-Esteem Patterns

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Codependents often……….

 

. have difficulty making decisions

. judge what they think, say or do harshly, as never good enough

. are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise or gifts

. value others approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own

. do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons

. seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than

. have difficulty admitting a mistake

. need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good

. are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want

. perceive themselves as superior to others

. look to others to provide their send of safety

. have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines and completing projects

. have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries

from CODA.org

 

Hurting Others

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This is a true fact of life:

People who are hurting,

Hurt others.

They can’t help themselves.

They hurt on purpose

because they don’t know any other way.

But that does not mean you should sit there and take someones crap. Not at all. You can still care for the person and try to help but a strong boundary is needed always.

When someone is hurting, as much as they might want to stop hurting they will bite the one trying to help them. Or they might feel justified in lashing out because they are in so much emotional pain, whether it’s obvious to them or not. It’s an extreme form of resistance.  And changing is hard work. In most cases even the sickest, most hurtful people have moments of clarity but cannot change. It is the same with everyone. We know we must change but can’t because we resist the exact thing we need.

In my opinion, people who deliberately hurt others, have a deep seated guilt about something, so they set up hurtful situations to be hurt back. Guilt always seeks punishment. Some behavior is as much a mystery to the offender as it is to the victim.

According to Steven Pressfield’s book the “The War of Art” resistance is ever present and we need to be aware of it all the time or it will kill us. Resistance is impersonal and out for blood in anyway possible. Resistance is the enemy of change. Resistance is the enemy of healing.

So what to do when a hurting person hurts you.

1. Feel your feelings.

2. Don’t deny what is going on.

3. Set up a strong boundary.

4. As tempting as it is: don’t hurt back.

5. Wait it out until you have some clarity.

6. Use kindness by trying to understand where they are hurting.

7. If they are open enough make suggestions for improvement.

8. Move on if necessary.

The person who is strong is the one who is willing to straighten hurtful situations out. The person who is weak is the one who withholds their willingness to straighten hurtful situations out.

Which one are you? What does it feel  like to hurt on purpose? What does it feel like to be the victim? What similar experiences have you had?

Are you the strong one who is willing to work things out? Or are you the weak one who is withholding.

The choice is yours.