Here’s a quote from Yolo Akili’s book: Dear Universe; Letters of Affirmation and Empowerment – For All Of Us –
Principles of Human Communication:
#5 Understand that everyone interprets the world through their own ideas, past experience, psychological framework, social location and pain. You see the world based on where you have been. You see the world based on who you are, based on how you are perceived and how you perceive others. Those perceptions are not absolute. They are not the only truth, and they are not the only way of knowing things. Understand this.
The author is pointing out that in order to have effective communication with other humans we must put aside our own beliefs. By putting aside our own beliefs we will better understand where the other human is coming from. As a result you will have a clearer, more truthful communication.
Boundaries can be subtle or obvious. Here’s a partial list adapted from LoveEngineer.com.
Trust everyone or no one vs developing appropriate trust over time.
Black and white thinking vs realizing nothing is black and white.
Expecting others to automatically meet your needs vs communicating your wants and needs. (with the possibility of them being declined).
Self abuse vs treating yourself with respect and dignity.
Giving too much or not at all vs respect for others generosity.
Believing others can read your mind vs recognizing others can’t read your mind.
These are just a few boundary issues prevalent in our lives. Let’s add to the list and change what we can to foster our own growth.
What people don’t say is just as important as what they do say.
When someone is not willing to be transparent in a relationship it can make my mind race with what might be. I come to all kinds of apocalypse meanings of the situation.
Actually I need to mind my own business because what I need to know is eventually revealed.
I trust myself enough to listen to my hunches. Have patience. Everything I want is coming in it’s right time.
I smell liar and backstabber, and sneakiness in the air. When that smell gets on a person it never goes away. Has anyone lied to you and back-stabbed you? They smell really bad, don’t they? Rest easy it happens to everyone at sometime or another. Let’s say the damage is done, this person you trusted pulled the rug right out from under you. Turned others against you. Slam, splat your life has just melted into warm Jell-O. This person will not communicate or answer any questions. Just turned their back on you. Walked away, smug and strangely entertained by your reactions. You didn’t know they were using you. You were honest and helping and trusting. Their motives were hidden. This person has some definite sociopath issues. Unfeeling, unaware of what their actions did to you. What’s the next step?
1.Damage control. Stop all communication with this person and anyone who might be on their side.
2. Assess the damage. Such as, find out what they might be saying or doing that involves you. Take necessary steps to stop it.
3. Take time away from the situation. Go for a walk. Talk it out, write it out. Take care of yourself first.
4. Be as objective as possible. As time goes on clarity will reveal the truth and the next step. Be as unemotional as possible. It’s OK to feel, but too much emotions muddies up clarity.
5. Time will pass and the situation and damage will end.
6. Keep the focus on your own self-improvement. This helps move your life forward by maturing and getting smarter about relationships.
Sorry for the pain. But you are a better person than that bad smelling one. And besides, if someone feels the need to tear you down, best you know you are already above him or her.