. act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them
. judge harshly what others thin, say or do
. avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance
. allow addictions to people, places and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationship
. use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation
. diminish their capacity to have healthy relationship by declining to use the tool of recovery
. suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable
. pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away
. refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater thatn themselves
. believe displays to emotion are a sign of weakness
. withhold expressions of appreciation
I regularly read “positivethoughtsforyou.com and today Mr. Stephen Levine wrote about unconditional love. Here’s an excerpt:
“When we say love we usually mean some emotion, some deep feeling for an object or person, that momentarily allows us to open to another. But in such emotional love, self-protection is never very far away. Still there is “business” to the relationship: clouds of jealousy, possessiveness, guilt, intentional and unintentional manipulation, separateness, and the shadow of all previous “loves” darkens the light of oneness.
But what I mean by love is not an emotion, it is a state of being. True love has no object. Many speak of their unconditional love for another. Unconditional love is the experience of being; there is no “I” and “other,” and anyone or anything it touches is experienced in love. You cannot unconditionally love someone. You can only be unconditional love. It is not a dualistic emotion. It is a sense of oneness with all that is. The experience of love arises when we surrender our separateness into the universal. It is a feeling of unity. You don’t love another, you are another. There is no fear because there is no separation”.
My understanding of this is if we feel love on an emotional level there are conditions, desires, expectations. With conditions, desires and expectations there is the risk of squeezing the life out of relationships.
When we have unconditional love it is not a feeling but a state of mind of openness and accepting everything as it is. No conditions no desires no expectations create unlimited possibilities in relationships.
That works for me.
How about you?
Sometimes things just don’t go the way you want them to. I yell and fight, pushy, manipulate and scheme for circumstances to change to be what I want them to be. I try to force my own way into the situation and bring the issue to my own satisfactory conclusion.
The more I battle with what is happening the more I hurt inside. I am making the situation harder and harder for myself and others.
Then I had an epiphany. I was not paying attention to what was happening and thought I was the only one who was right therefore things had to go my way.
I decided to surrender, not in defeat but to let the situation play out by itself without my manipulation. As soon as I stopped struggling against resisting change I became calm. I do what is within my control and let go of everything else including the outcome.
Looks like I just got a big dose of wisdom.
Here’s what I learned and I hope it helps you too.
1. If you have done all you can, do no more.
2. Have patience and let things unravel the way its meant to.
3. The conclusion may not be what you want but it will be for you highest good.
4. Stop struggling with having things your own way.
5. Pick and choose your battles.
6. Step back and see is its really worth the effort.
7. If it’s hard for you to step back give yourself positive self talk.
It’s not always easy to allow the flow of life to move in its own direction. Just know that all will be well.