Tag Archives: addictions

Aug8

Thoughtful Thursday #267 – Resistance

Posted on by
Standard

In psychology resistance is the push me pull me effect of dealing with uncomfortable and sometimes buried fears of change.

This can happen as a reaction to the therapeutic process or irritating situation that we just don’t want to deal with.

Resistance can show up in many forms, inner oppression, focusing on outside events, over eating, too much social media, self criticism, social withdrawal, trying to be perfect, you can add to the list.

A common reason for resistance is shame, that burning feeling of humiliation, of being wrong, or like a fool, regret, self hate.

“Family secrets can go back for generations. They can be about suicides, homicides, incest, abortions, addictions, public loss of face, financial disaster, etc. All the secrets get acted out. This is the power of toxic shame. The pain and suffering of shame generate automatic and unconscious defenses. Freud called these defenses by various names: denial, idealization of parents, repression of emotions and dissociation from emotions. What is important to note is that we can’t know what we don’t know. Denial, idealization, repression and dissociation are unconscious survival mechanisms. Because they are unconscious, we lose touch with the shame, hurt and pain they cover up. We cannot heal what we cannot feel. So without recovery, our toxic shame gets carried for generations.”
― John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

John Bradshaw sums it up, “all secrets get acted out”, and “we cannot heal what we cannot feel”, it is in your best interest to get into some kind of recovery program. You owe it to your wonderful self. You are deserving of every good thing in life, you are important and are strong enough to heal.

Start now, go in baby steps, read books about good mental health, go to therapy, join support groups, start your own support group, start a diary and write everything you think down on paper to give your feelings life and validity.

Don’t give up, there is massive healing possible, just keep trying. I know you can do it.

 

 

Jan17

Thoughtful Thursday #243 – How To Get Unstuck

Posted on by
Standard

Are you a victim to perfectionism or failure, racing thoughts, numbness, confusion, addictions, inability to trust, poor self talk?

We can treat ourselves in such an awful way by not taking care of ourselves physically and mentally.

Actually mental health is paramount for a successful life.

One way of easing our troubled minds is to ask questions.
Why was I triggered by that comment, why did I slink away from a potential intimate moment, why did I run away so fast that it actually scared me, why did I act that way?

Take a piece of paper or open a word document and start writing every possible scenario, keep going until you can’t think of anything else. By doing this you release all the power of holding these types of concerns in your head.

I guarantee you will be surprised at the insight and peace you experience.  Asking questions to yourself is another tool in your resource box for getting unstuck and have clear mental health.

Oct30

Thoughtful Thursdays #72 – Shame

Posted on by
Standard

Shame will kill you and it is dangerous. Most suicides are shame based, addictions, acting out, aggression, violence are shame based. Shame is also a very social condition where we compare ourselves to others.

Shame effects intimacy, shame effects self esteem. Shame holds us back and makes us fearful of everything. Shame is pervasive, insidious, invisible and full of hatred

Shame shows up in toxic relationships and chaos. Shame shows up when you find yourself beating yourself up. Shame brings guilt, sadness, regret.

Shame will destroy your life. Shame shows up in not caring for yourself.

Shame shows up in the underachiever and overachiever. Shame will stop you from thinking.

Thinking is the only way to save yourself from further self inflicted injury be it emotional or otherwise. Thinking will grow your self esteem and see the possibilities of getting out of any mess you are in.

Brene Brown is a shame researcher and she says: if we share our story with someone who is empathetic, shame has no where to live, it cannot exist. This is where you will start to heal the pain of feeling shameful.

Think for yourself especially if you had toxic people around you when you were little. At any time in our lives we can mistakenly absorb shame because there are so many shame based people in our environment. Get rid of it. Stop believing lies about yourself. Test the lies and you will see they are not the truth. Challenge all notions of negativity. Shame is a useless, wasteful emotion.

We heal slowly one word at a time, one thought at a time, one breath at a time.

Find those who you can trust and who will lift you up. You will see that you can be the person you want to be by shedding the coat of crap loaded on you.

Take the risk. Take the chance. You can do it. I believe in you and I am absolutely sure you can shed the shame cloak.

Go ahead try. You will win. Do not let the enemy called Shame win. Period.

Aug7

Thoughtful Thursdays # 62 – Suicide

Posted on by
Standard

Everyone goes to dark places in their mind. Most of the time people don’t show what they are really feeling. Myself included. It is not acceptable to bring up suicidal feelings in order to heal. No one really wants to get involved. No one wants to hear your pain because they have their own.

Sometimes instead of actually committing physical suicide we make choices to kill ourselves with toxic relationships, addictions of every kind, bad attitudes and an endless well of self destruction. For years and years we can go on and on from one painful situation to another and not understand why.

You know something is wrong but can’t see what it is. You try to talk it out to get clues to this mental state of pain but there are no clues. You read every book, go to therapy, pray, search and search for relief and it’s only temporary. Just when you think you have found it, bam it disappears throwing you back to square one. The numbness returns.

Yep that is what it feels like. Over thinking and running around with busy work so you don’t have to feel your body’s response to the confusion. It feels like you are being stabbed repeatedly over and over all over your body. The pain stings like bees and razors. You are cutting and bleeding invisibly. Occasionally you even do try to slit your wrists just to see if you can feel anything.  It hurts really bad this time. It is endless unless you are distracted in some way. Where is the relief, where is the relief?

It’s that drowning feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. The feelings are pervasive. There is no where to turn. The well of despair is filling quickly so you must figure out some way of not succumbing to killing yourself just yet.

Just wait, just wait.

Then the tears come and you can’t stop them. You bang your head against the wall and scream: the pain is too much, when will it stop. It never does. It just comes and goes.

There is the restlessness of meaningless, of emptiness of loneliness of where in the world am I and where do I belong, To whom do I belong. Feeling like a stranger on planet earth with no home. Your life becomes a self imposed prison of isolation.  It feels like choking on air and wetness at the same time. Unable to catch your breath in a panic.

Some how there is a tiny spark that makes you keep going. You are lucky to be so aware and strong. But you don’t believe it. Yes strong. But you don’t believe it. It takes courage to keep going. But you don’t believe it. Your strength comes from somewhere invisible. Call it survival, the divine, the journey, reliving trauma, the search, the longing to reach out anyway even if you fail. And you have failed so many, many times.

You try just one more time, even if you fail again at least it is temporary relief. Clinging to the hope that this time it will be different. Hoping that trying one more time will make a difference. Wishing for the best and preparing for the worst. Accepting what is unacceptable but not knowing what acceptable is just yet.

Getting up again, not letting anyone know how you feel it is easier to push them away. Even though you desperately need them.

You will try again and again and again and again. Maybe this time it will work.

There really is no other way than to try to either live in this world or die trying.

What will it be: suicide by choice or suicide by trying.

s

Jul29

Codependents Avoidance Patterns

Posted on by
Standard

Codependents often…………………

 

. act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them

. judge harshly what others thin, say or do

. avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance

. allow addictions to people, places and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationship

. use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation

. diminish their capacity to have healthy relationship by declining to use the tool of recovery

. suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable

. pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away

. refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater thatn themselves

. believe displays to emotion are a sign of weakness

. withhold expressions of appreciation

From CODA.org

 

 

Feb20

Thoughful Thursdays #52 Resistance

Posted on by
Standard

Steven Pressfield is one of my favorite writing idols. He writes about resistance all the time and is incredibly insightful. Resistance is something I struggle with all the time.

I  will paraphrase his discussion with Rabbi Finley and resistance. Rabbi Finley said: “There is a second self inside you-an inner shadow Self.  This self doesn’t care about you. It doesn’t love you. It has its own agenda, and it will kill you. It will kill you like cancer. It will kill you to achieve its agenda, which is to prevent you from actualizing your Self, from becoming who you really are. This shadow self is called, in the Kabbalistic lexicon, the yetzer hara.  The yetzer hara, is what you call Resistance.”

Well said Rabbi. 100 % true.

This leads me to the Buddha. As he sat under the Bodhi tree and was confronted by Mara and his army.  Mara represents denial, fear and distraction. His demons are violent and wicked.  The Buddha used his noodle to figure out that Mara and his demons are nothing but a distraction to us. Mara goes out of his way to distract us from our true path, just like he did to the Buddha. Mara’s the king of thoughts and situations that create fear and resistance. The Buddha found a way to transcend his own denial of what is important and what is not. Being in denial of all there is in your life is the ultimate in resistance. The Buddha recognized this in his enlightenment.

What are your Mara’s? Is it addictions, distraction, negative patterns, denial? Is it violence in thoughts, words and deeds?

What is your yetzer hara? Is it illness, sadness, inability to focus?

The list of negatives is endless. So what is the answer? How do we recognize resistance especially if you don’t have a ton of time to meditate or devote your life to a religion?

Keep looking for those pesky negative  incognito signs in your thoughts, words and actions that are holding you back. Chances are whatever you are afraid of or avoiding is resistance.

Wake up into your own awareness. Make Self Care important, a priority.

Yes you are that important.