Tag Archives: suicide

Oct30

Thoughtful Thursdays #72 – Shame

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Shame will kill you and it is dangerous. Most suicides are shame based, addictions, acting out, aggression, violence are shame based. Shame is also a very social condition where we compare ourselves to others.

Shame effects intimacy, shame effects self esteem. Shame holds us back and makes us fearful of everything. Shame is pervasive, insidious, invisible and full of hatred

Shame shows up in toxic relationships and chaos. Shame shows up when you find yourself beating yourself up. Shame brings guilt, sadness, regret.

Shame will destroy your life. Shame shows up in not caring for yourself.

Shame shows up in the underachiever and overachiever. Shame will stop you from thinking.

Thinking is the only way to save yourself from further self inflicted injury be it emotional or otherwise. Thinking will grow your self esteem and see the possibilities of getting out of any mess you are in.

Brene Brown is a shame researcher and she says: if we share our story with someone who is empathetic, shame has no where to live, it cannot exist. This is where you will start to heal the pain of feeling shameful.

Think for yourself especially if you had toxic people around you when you were little. At any time in our lives we can mistakenly absorb shame because there are so many shame based people in our environment. Get rid of it. Stop believing lies about yourself. Test the lies and you will see they are not the truth. Challenge all notions of negativity. Shame is a useless, wasteful emotion.

We heal slowly one word at a time, one thought at a time, one breath at a time.

Find those who you can trust and who will lift you up. You will see that you can be the person you want to be by shedding the coat of crap loaded on you.

Take the risk. Take the chance. You can do it. I believe in you and I am absolutely sure you can shed the shame cloak.

Go ahead try. You will win. Do not let the enemy called Shame win. Period.

Aug21

Thoughful Thursdays # 64 – Going Underneath the Recesses Of My Mind

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A few weeks ago I wrote about suicide. It was before the Robin Williams incident. And I got a lot of people concerned with my mental health. Here is an explaintion and update on how I am feeling.

There were a series of events that ticked off my codependancy and abandonment issues so I spiraled down that slippery slope of despair. Only this time it was so painful that past memories surfaced. Hence the feeling of annilation.

Update………

Sometimes I have to allow myself to hit bottom emotionally because it is the only way up and out. I must allow myself to feel suicidal, sad, lonely, awful, cry, and scream, abandoned, needy, out of control and insane to the point of losing control.

When my ego is done yacking away with all this pain, I can feel the difference between my ego screaming and what is heart felt and realistic, instinctual and right. This is where time stops and as silly as it might sound I start to feel really lucky to be able to come up from the depths of emotional hell and be thankful for a roof over my head, my health, people I care about, talking, smiling, laughing etc.

My ego perceived lots of unrealistic things as a threat like it will die or is losing something. Those are just fears from the past rearing its ugly head and creating resistance. My ego will fight back, that is it’s nature. But eventually weakens because my ego needs to rest and then turns to being cooperative with healing and health. My ego must cooperate with expression and evolution of the self, it has no choice.

When my ego is open, raw and down it doesn’t see the options that are present. This gives me the reason to sit and go down the slope of despair.

Here is my secret……..This is where I just sit and feel everything. Let my mind wander to all the possible outcomes good and bad. I am not going to kid you it is hard to do this. It feels like no control at all. It is going into the unknown. Will I lose my mind or won’t I. I battle with reaching out for something to relieve being uncomfortable. I want the cigarette, drink, drug, person to distract me, the internet anything to stop the pain. But I must not, I must sit and feel no matter how long it takes. Going down to the bottomless pit of hopelessness. Eventually the desperation stops. I am spent, exhausted and heavy.

From here it is up. The feeling of empowerment takes over and the best therapy abounds. My own form of therapy. There is feeling of openness where answers come from. It is a form of meditation. I accept things for what they are. Here is the miracle: I can slowly move in a new direction. Still in pain I can still move ahead. Lick my wounds and heal.

I will say this: don’t listen or act on the ego it loves drama and pain. Listen and act on the positive, it loves moving like lava from out of the mountain of despair. Burning away illusions and reveals the truth of the situation. My truth and your truth. The positive wrenches through the illusion of despair and hopelessness. There is no such thing as helplessness really because it is all in the mind. But the ego does not realize this. The ego refuses to believe in possibilities. It believes in fear.

My heart must speak to the ego like a baby and encourage it to cooperate because my heart knows how to hold the hand of the screaming ego child lovingly and wholly. So does your heart. If you listen.

Peace, all is as it should be.

Aug7

Thoughtful Thursdays # 62 – Suicide

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Everyone goes to dark places in their mind. Most of the time people don’t show what they are really feeling. Myself included. It is not acceptable to bring up suicidal feelings in order to heal. No one really wants to get involved. No one wants to hear your pain because they have their own.

Sometimes instead of actually committing physical suicide we make choices to kill ourselves with toxic relationships, addictions of every kind, bad attitudes and an endless well of self destruction. For years and years we can go on and on from one painful situation to another and not understand why.

You know something is wrong but can’t see what it is. You try to talk it out to get clues to this mental state of pain but there are no clues. You read every book, go to therapy, pray, search and search for relief and it’s only temporary. Just when you think you have found it, bam it disappears throwing you back to square one. The numbness returns.

Yep that is what it feels like. Over thinking and running around with busy work so you don’t have to feel your body’s response to the confusion. It feels like you are being stabbed repeatedly over and over all over your body. The pain stings like bees and razors. You are cutting and bleeding invisibly. Occasionally you even do try to slit your wrists just to see if you can feel anything.  It hurts really bad this time. It is endless unless you are distracted in some way. Where is the relief, where is the relief?

It’s that drowning feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. The feelings are pervasive. There is no where to turn. The well of despair is filling quickly so you must figure out some way of not succumbing to killing yourself just yet.

Just wait, just wait.

Then the tears come and you can’t stop them. You bang your head against the wall and scream: the pain is too much, when will it stop. It never does. It just comes and goes.

There is the restlessness of meaningless, of emptiness of loneliness of where in the world am I and where do I belong, To whom do I belong. Feeling like a stranger on planet earth with no home. Your life becomes a self imposed prison of isolation.  It feels like choking on air and wetness at the same time. Unable to catch your breath in a panic.

Some how there is a tiny spark that makes you keep going. You are lucky to be so aware and strong. But you don’t believe it. Yes strong. But you don’t believe it. It takes courage to keep going. But you don’t believe it. Your strength comes from somewhere invisible. Call it survival, the divine, the journey, reliving trauma, the search, the longing to reach out anyway even if you fail. And you have failed so many, many times.

You try just one more time, even if you fail again at least it is temporary relief. Clinging to the hope that this time it will be different. Hoping that trying one more time will make a difference. Wishing for the best and preparing for the worst. Accepting what is unacceptable but not knowing what acceptable is just yet.

Getting up again, not letting anyone know how you feel it is easier to push them away. Even though you desperately need them.

You will try again and again and again and again. Maybe this time it will work.

There really is no other way than to try to either live in this world or die trying.

What will it be: suicide by choice or suicide by trying.

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