Category Archives: Thoughts

May26

Narcissism

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There’s so much information about narcissism out there. You can google narcissism and the information is overwhelming.

I can tell you from personal experience that the longer you keep a narcissistic person in your life the worse your life will get. Don’t be the bigger person because the narcissist really doesn’t care. They enjoy hurting and damaging other humans and even animals. It doesn’t matter how the narcissist became that way and besides it is not your responsibility to figure it out. The responsibility is on them.  Most of the time the narcissist never changes because they do not have any awareness of their own destructive behavior and not any interest in self-awareness.

Here are some red flags that are attributable to being a narcissist:

  1. they take advantage of others
  2. feels superior to just about everyone
  3. needs constant praise and if you don’t they will try to destroy you
  4. your needs don’t matter
  5. envious
  6. arrogant
  7. cares only about themselves
  8. very destructive to you and not caring at all

These are just a few red flags, but if this kind of behavior is consistent there’s a good chance you are dealing with a narcissist. Feel free to research the subject for more information.

My advice to you, and I can tell you from experience, that it is best you leave to protect yourself. It is not likely they will change. It’s best you go on to have a better life.

May25

You’ve Got To Feel It To Heal It

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That’s right, there is nothing worse than hiding from your feelings because until you feel them they will come out in unhealthy ways.

Depression is sadness turned inward. Are you avoiding happiness because you have unresolved sadness?

Then feel it to heal it.

Got some rage going on and you took out in a road rage incident?

Then feel it to heal it.

Shame running the show in your life?

Then feel it to heal it.

Feeling scared, lonely, disgusted, left out, jealous, embarrassed, disappointed, frustrated, shy, uncomfortable or guilty?

Then feel it to heal it.

There is no way around it, we must resolve, process and look at what we feel, even it’s really uncomfortable.

You will come out on the other side feeling joy,hopeful, friendly, brave, silly, grateful, loved, kind, secure, curious,proud, and confident.

After all, who wants to be stuck in misery.

Happy exploring your feelings.

 

 

 

May24

Thoughtful Thursday #214 – Abandonment Continued

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Susan Anderson’s book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing is a wealth of information about the devastating effects of abandonment and that real miraculous recovery that is possible.

I am paraphrasing the five stages of abandonment.

  1. Shattering-devastating pain and hitting bottom.
  2. Withdrawal-the intense craving for the love you had.
  3. Internalizing-beating up on your self esteem.
  4. Rage-fighting back by expressing your rage and anger.
  5. Lifting-your life gets back on track.

These are not linear steps but as the author states they are stages that are circular, like a cyclone. We go through each stage at one time or together. It may take days, weeks, months or years to resolve but worth the effort.

Abandonment is one of the worst betrayals a person can experience. Recovery is more than possible, with some self care and self compassion you will come out on the other side changed, wiser and more resilient.

Read Susan Anderson’s book and be amazed at how recover from abandonment is possible.

May23

You Can’t Change People by Blogger Jenna Ryan of Self Love U

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So True.

You Can’t Change People

When you realize that you can’t change other people, and you accept that they are who they are and it’s not your job, or your place to change them, you can learn to let go of people who are not giving you what you need; or requiring you to do all the work; or are causing you to be less-than. You can let go of these people and begin to embrace new relationships that are more healthy. New relationships where you are valued, validated and respected.

It’s a great indicator of your path. When you’re able to determine what is good for you and what is not, your path lights up and you get out of old negative patterns of relating onto new nourishing experiences. You are no longer stuck. You build new neural pathways in your mind towards your own betterment. It’s a beautiful process of learning to love yourself by saying no to the bad stuff and yes to the good stuff.

This will feel uncomfortable at first. It will feel “off” because maybe you’ve been habituated to following patterns of self loathing and self harm. But if you trust your path, and persevere towards the good, then you will say goodbye to that old identity (in a loving way) and hello to the new, true identity which was yours all along.

You may be afraid to walk away from your old way of relating because you may be afraid of the unknown–also, your brain may be trained to go towards your current comfort zone. You have to retrain your brain. You have to learn to listen to your intuition which will tell you when you feel mistreated, and even if that mistreatment feels most comfortable, you listen to your truth. You take a leap of faith–trusting yourself.

You can also learn to love others who are close to you for who they are… especially those you must deal with in life, like parents. When you know what’s right and wrong for you, you can set boundaries externally and emotional limits internally in a way that lets you stay safe and meet them where they are. You only do this with close family–new relationships need to adhere to your new levels–or remain acquaintances. The key is you stay neutral, not clinging to or pushing away negative people.

There are so many mental and emotional processes that can get in the way of this healing, but it’s worth it to learn about everything. It’s worth the effort to pull yourself out of the pit and to heal. You deserve a happy life.

at 10:09 AM
May21

It Makes Sense We Sabotage Ourselves and Why It’s OK.

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Self sabotage comes in many forms.

We can become hyper aware because we have been dealing with unreliable people for a long time and we expect things to go wrong.

We can get in the habit of not making commitments because those we trusted thwarted all that we loved.

We may want to be unseen because any attention means possible abuse.

We may people please to keep us safe at the expense of our own needs.

We may want to control everything just to feel safe enough to exist.

There are many more ways to self sabotage but the reason why we do that is because there are unresolved issues just under the surface of our awareness and our self sabotage keeps us distracted enough not to feel those feelings.

Self sabotage is a coping method and that is OK until you are in a place to look at those feelings and release them.

It’s not easy but with some kindness and compassion for yourself you will gradually let go of self sabotaging behavior.

May20

Betrayal

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One of the worst experiences one can have is to be betrayed. What is betrayal? It’s disloyalty, stabbed in the back, unfaithful, double crossed, tricked, given false information, or no information, misled, abandoned, let down, and deserted. You get the idea.

It’s that crushing feeling of shock, disbelief, anger, shame, and you want retribution and fight hard against denial of the betrayal because it hurts so much.

This is no easy feeling to deal with, it may take some time to process what is going on. Here are some suggestions.

  1. Have some detachment.
  2. Talk it out with a trusted friend.
  3. Feel the emptiness and grieve.
  4. Don’t act out irrationally.
  5. Make a recovery plan.
  6. Be really good to yourself.

The key to healing betrayal is to be self-aware and really good to yourself. Know that it is only a matter of time before you feel better.

May19

Coping With The Loss Of A Loved One.

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My father passed away a few days ago. We had a challenging relationship. So as I go to the viewing today I will leave you all with this lovely article about grief from the American Psychological Association.

Grief: Coping with the loss of your loved one

Coping with the loss of your loved one

Coping with the loss of a close friend or family member may be one of the hardest challenges that many of us face. When we lose a spouse, sibling or parent our grief can be particularly intense. Loss is understood as a natural part of life, but we can still be overcome by shock and confusion, leading to prolonged periods of sadness or depression. The sadness typically diminishes in intensity as time passes, but grieving is an important process in order to overcome these feelings and continue to embrace the time you had with your loved one.

Everyone reacts differently to death and employs personal coping mechanisms for grief. Research shows that most people can recover from loss on their own through the passage of time if they have social support and healthy habits. It may take months or a year to come to terms with a loss. There is no “normal” time period for someone to grieve. Don’t expect to pass through phases of grief either, as new research suggests that most people do not go through stages as progressive steps.

If your relationship with the deceased was difficult, this will also add another dimension to the grieving process. It may take some time and thought before you are able to look back on the relationship and adjust to the loss.

Human beings are naturally resilient, considering most of us can endure loss and then continue on with our own lives. But some people may struggle with grief for longer periods of time and feel unable to carry out daily activities. Those with severe grief may be experiencing complicated grief. These individuals could benefit from the help of a psychologist or another licensed mental health professional with a specialization in grief.

Moving on with life

Mourning the loss of a close friend or relative takes time, but research tells us that it can also be the catalyst for a renewed sense of meaning that offers purpose and direction to life.

Grieving individuals may find it useful to use some of the following strategies to help come to terms with loss:

  • Talk about the death of your loved one with friends and colleagues in order to understand what happened and remember your friend or family member. Denying the death is an easy way to isolate yourself, and will frustrate your support system in the process.
  • Accept your feelings. People experience all kinds of emotions after the death of someone close. Sadness, anger, frustration and even exhaustion are all normal.
  • Take care of yourself and your family. Eating well, exercising and getting plenty of rest help us get through each day and move forward.
  • Reach out and help others dealing with the loss. Helping others has the added benefit of making you feel better as well. Sharing stories of the deceased can help everyone cope.
  • Remember and celebrate the lives of your loved ones. Possibilities include donating to a favorite charity of the deceased, framing photos of fun times, passing on a family name to a baby or planting a garden in memory. What you choose is up to you, as long as it allows you honor that unique relationship in a way that feels right to you. If you feel stuck or overwhelmed by your emotions, it may be helpful to talk with a licensed psychologist or other mental health professional who can help you cope with your feelings and find ways to get back on track.

How psychologists can help

Psychologists are trained to help people better handle the fear, guilt or anxiety that can be associated with the death of a loved one. If you need help dealing with your grief or managing a loss, consult with a psychologist or other licensed mental health professional.

Psychologists can help people build their resilience and develop strategies to get through their sadness. Practicing psychologists use a variety of evidence-based treatments — most commonly psychotherapy — to help people improve their lives. Psychologists, who have doctoral degrees, receive one of the highest levels of education of any health care professional.

Use the Psychologist Locator to find a psychologist in your area.

This Help Center article was adapted from a March 2011 post by Katherine C. Nordal, PhD on APA’s Your Mind Your Body Blog.

The full text of articles from APA Help Center may be reproduced and distributed for noncommercial purposes with credit given to the American Psychological Association. Any electronic reproductions must link to the original article on the APA Help Center. Any exceptions to this, including excerpting, paraphrasing or reproduction in a commercial work, must be presented in writing to the APA.Images from the APA Help Center may not be reproduced.

May18

Mental Disorder and Mental Health Problem

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Mental Health Disorder is an illness that is diagnosable. The illness affects a person’s thinking, emotional state and behavior and disrupts their lives. Examples are depression and anxiety which is common and the not so common schizophrenia and bipolar disorder which can lead to a disability.

Mental Health Problem is a much broader term that included both mental health disorders and symptoms of mental disorders that may not be  severe enough to warrant a diagnosis of a mental disorder.

Slang terms used for mental health issues are crazy, psycho, mad, loony, nuts, cracked up and wacko. None of these terms are helpful for give much information on the subject.

Helpful Resources for your mental health and if you are assisting others.

National Institute of Mental Health – http://www.nimh.nih.gov

World Health Organization – http://www.who.int/topics/global_burden_of_disease/en/

 

 

From: Chapter 1 of Mental Health First Aid USA ISBN:978-00692-60748-0

 

May16

Beating Trauma with Elisabeth Corey

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I have worked with Elisabeth Corey for quite some time. Along with a trauma therapist  and  Elisabeth I have made great strides in working through years of trauma. Working with her was the missing link in my recovery. I am adding her most recent blog post here in the hopes it may help you.

Bringing in the New

by  | May 16, 2018 | Defenders, Freedom Fighters, Recovery, Relationships | 2 comments

Bringing in the New

Most of us have been on this journey for a long time.  We have been searching for peace and healing for years.  We have sought out the answers to our pain for years.  We would most certainly call ourselves seekers.  We are driven by something deep inside that won’t leave us alone.  Even when we spend time in denial, we always come back.  But the resistance to our journey is strong and coming from all directions.  Society tells us to plan for the future, to ignore the past, to be as productive as possible, and to pretend we are fine, even perfect.  Our family wants us to stay in denial and keep the secrets.  Our friends wonder why we won’t stop thinking and talking about the past. All of these pressures can set us back on our journey.

But society has the wrong idea.  We think we can leave the past behind by ignoring it, denying it and focusing on the future.  But we cannot create what we want this way.  It is like building a house of cards in an earthquake zone.  It is only a matter of time before our past patterns, cycles, beliefs and emotions come rising up and shake everything to the ground.  We cannot build a new life on this shaky foundation.  We must dig deep and unearth the unconscious residue from our traumatic past.  We must pull it up and out.  Until that happens, we are not making a new life for ourselves.  There is no room for it.  The space to manifest is already full.  And it is manifesting what we don’t want.  To bring in the new, we must let go of the old.  But what does it mean to let go of the old?  Here are some examples I have found in my own life.

Letting Go of the Savior.  If we grew up with childhood trauma, we almost always have inner children hoping for a savior.  This savior might be modeled after someone who existed in real life or an imaginary person.  But these hopes sit in our unconscious and drive most of what we do.  They tell us things like, “Don’t be too successful or our savior might not feel the need to come.”  Inner children are very opposed to the idea that we can save ourselves.  They don’t understand we have an adult self now and can actually make empowered change in our lives.  And if they are too strong in our unconscious, they might have us convinced we cannot save ourselves.  They live in a state of helplessness and hopelessness.  We must come to understand this as an emotional flashback so we can live our lives without the constant search for a savior.

Letting Go of the Parental Relationship.  I am going to start by saying this isn’t always necessary in the most literal sense.  We might not need to completely let go of the parental relationship to bring in the new.  But I will guarantee we need to let go of the dysfunction and lack of boundaries.  Parents will likely fight us on this, but this needs to be done for us to manifest our best life.  These parental relationships in their current form are clouding our energy.  We have contracts with them left over from childhood.  These contracts might obligate us to take care of our parents’ emotional or physical needs.  These contracts might obligate us to take part in their traditions.  They may even obligate us to financially support our parents.  These contracts are upheld by guilt and societal duty, but they are not in our best interest.  These contracts mean we are not free.  We are slaves to our past relationships.  And new, more fulfilling relationships cannot enter our space while we uphold these contracts with our parents.

Letting Go of Dead People.  This concept might be a stretch for you.  I get that.  Depending on your beliefs, this may or may not resonate with you.  And feel free to take it or leave it.  But for me, I have sensed some aspects of my energy being held up by dead people.  My ancestors are most certainly hanging around and I used to think this was a good thing.  I do believe we transmute and transform energy for the generations before us as we heal ourselves.  And when we are on a deep healing path, this might give us quite a bit of spiritual company.  It might feel comforting for a while.  But I am starting to realize there is a point in this journey where I have to send them away.  As long as my traumatic past is living in my energy, I am not completely free to bring in the new.  But there is one significant dead person who I am particularly focused on at the moment: my ex-husband and children’s father.  He needs to go.  I have recently realized I have spent the past 7 years married to a ghost.  He is deeply and energetically tied into my needs for a savior.  And on some very unconscious level, my inner children were still expecting a return.  But a return would only give me a heart attack.  My adult self sincerely doesn’t want that for a couple of reasons.  1) He’s dead.  2) He’s deeply traumatized.  So I have to let go of that relationship in my conscious mind, my unconscious mind and on a cellular level.  There is nothing left to gain from continuing to hold on.  It is time to bring in the new.

So in this time of bringing in the new (yes this is the time), check in with what you are holding on to from the past.  It might be something glaring and obvious.  It might make logical sense and it might not.  It might be something so obscure you have to search through the depths of your unconscious.  But if you aren’t manifesting what you want in life, there is something blocking it.  Find it.  It is your life and you get to remove anything that is not serving you.  You get to say what stays and what goes.  This is your time to grieve and let go of the past.  This is your time to live your new life.

May15

Resistance

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Resistance is something I live with every day. It’s like a chronic illness. For me resistance keeps me from doing the things that I really want to do. The things I know are really good for me. I have created an inner barrier that sabotages my own efforts. Why does this happen?

There are many reasons all of us live with resistance here are a few.

Fear, maybe be don’t want to know the truth or are fearful of become uncomfortable with self-knowledge. Fear of the unknown, not realizing the need for a change, maintaining an old habit. Those are just a few reasons.

Resistance is part of the human condition. No one really likes change or makes changes quickly.

Rather, resistance to change can disappear in a very natural way.  Examining ourselves is a deep way will cause change to happen painlessly, automatically, organically. Uncovering, unblending, undoing what we have always done is the catalyst for positive, dramatic change in tiny steps.

Take the time to objectively look at your own beliefs and actions. Why are you believing those beliefs, why are you taking those actions. Are these beliefs learned somewhere along your life or are they your own? Are the actions you are taking in your comfort zone, why?

Ask these questions in a non judgmental way so your inner life trusts you to reveal the information you need.

Examining resistance is a life long self-care action. You are meant to progress not stand still.

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