Go to therapy – you have to get out of your head.
I was made fun of, threatened, abandoned and booed for going to therapy by those who were threatened by my bravery and their fear of being exposed as addicts and criminals.
You are brave. Just try one tiny thing that will relieve your mind of worry and pressure and trauma. And those irritating recurring problems that seem to never go away.
Find a benign, non religious, knowledgeable therapist. There are tons of therapists who will not be judgmental of you and will be a sounding board for you to make new decisions for a happier life. A therapist is always on your side, your protector, your ally, your cheering section that will help you process those unseen, just under the surface emotions and a therapist will help you think for yourself.
Find a therapist that gets you. If he or she does not get you then move on to a new one. Your very well-being depends on it. Your mental health is very important, perhaps more important than physical health. Learn about yourself, make your mental health a priority.
Will this step be easy. No it won’t because the mind resists change, but the mind has to tag along when you take steps to help yourself.