You grew up in a dysfunctional family, your self esteem is shot, your squirming over an embarrassing action, you want to disappear, you feel rejected at every turn. Sounds like your hurt inner child is expressing itself.
Then you probably need to reparent yourself.
Many of us have grown up in chaos, we have no recollection of who our true self is. That is OK. Of course you don’t know who you are in your core, it is impossible to know if you grew up with chaos and confusion. This is where you can learn to be your own best parent.
Will it be easy, probably not, your tip is the child within feels your feelings, the hurt child within acts those feeling out inappropriately. Here is where reparenting comes in. If you can give space to those trapped feelings, both good and bad, your parent self can step in and stop any extreme behavior, or at least give a time out.
There is much written about reparenting, here are a few resources:
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Strengthening My Recovery (Book)
Taming Your Outer Child (Book)
How to Reparent Yourself (Youtube video)
Google “Reparenting Yourself”
beatingtrauma.com (website of Elisabeth Corey, trauma survivor and life coach)
http://pete-walker.com (Therapist and trauma survivor)
You are worth the effort and can bear the temporary, uncomfortable feelings of doing this important inner work. Give it a try.